Brows Held High: Beauty and the Beast

by Kyle Kallgren & Tony Goldmark

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All the songs from Kyle Kallgren and Some Jerk With A Camera's epic three-part co-review of Jean Cocteau's LA BELLE ET LA BETE (1946). Watch it now: www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLjP6Gt_QLgX4DphP-3CAeCWqD6ds7-lUr

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released September 26, 2014

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Track Name: Kyle Kallgren & Tony Goldmark feat. Paul Schuler and the MAGFest Tabernacle Choir - Kyle
KYLE: Brows Held High, my respected web show
I opine for a couple bucks
Brows Held High, everybody loves it
All my colleagues say...
PUSHING UP ROSES: It sucks!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It sucks!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It sucks!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It sucks!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It sucks!

KYLE: In 1946 the Reich had fallen
And France no longer said “Sieg Heil!”
And from this new status quo
Came a man named Jean Cocteau
And he made a fairy tale...
LINKARA: Good morning, Kyle!

(spoken)
KYLE: Good morning Monsieur!
LINKARA: Where are you off to?
KYLE: Reviewing a movie. I found the most wonderful story about the nature of love and the creative process and an allusion to Orpheus...
LINKARA: That’s nice. Viga! More cybermats! Hurry up!

NASH, FILM BRAIN and RAP CRITIC: Look there he goes
He thinks he’s smart or something
A most pretentious cinephile
OBSCURUS LUPA: With a condescending gaze
PHELOUS: And an allergy to praise
ALL FIVE: What a brows-held-highfalutin prick, that Kyle!

CHRIS THE NERD: It sucks!
IANONNE: It blows!
MISS NIGHTMARE: It raped my childhood!
MIKEY INSANITY: It’s bad!
MEDIA HUNTER: It’s worse!
LINKARA: It's Uwe Boll!
ROSENHACKER: It's dumb!
SHEA: It’s weird!
R.L. KING: It’s got Ben Affleck!
KYLE: It delves into a tortured artist's soul!

(Spoken)
ALL THREE: What?
ROSENHACKER: How is this art?
R.L. KING: Artists have souls?
SHEA: I can torture Sam Kieth?!

DIAMANDA HAGAN: He only touches films we’ve never heard of
Can you believe he has such guile?
OMEGA GEEK: Why should we click on a link
If we don’t know what to think?
BOTH: No, I just don’t understand the ways of Kyle.

KYLE: Oh, it needs no announcing,
Just how many hearts this tale has moved.
Ev’n if they fail pronouncing
The name “Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve”

PAW: Hello, I’m Paw and now it’s time for Best/Worst!
The best is obviously me!
And the worst is yonder snob
Who disliked Les Misérables
Do I really have to spell it out?
CHORUS: I think you have to spell it out
PAW AND CHORUS: Alright, let’s spell it out! K-Y-L-E!

JERK: In 1991 the Mouse was thriving
With Eisner, Katzenberg and Wells
When the studio unveiled
A new-fangled fairy tale
With a story line that rang a couple Belles....

FANGIRL CHORUS: Hey look! Some Jerk!
He’s got a camera!
Who’s he? Dunno
I thought you knew
I think he does
Reviews of Disney
I’ve never seen his show so I’ve no clue

LAST ANGRY GEEK: It sucks!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It blows!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's crap!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It's shit!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It's worse than cancer!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It's overrated!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It's meh!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It's drek!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's bleh!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It's wack!
PUSHING UP ROSES: I feel unclean!
KYLE: So let's review!
Sampled Vocal: It stinks!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It hurts!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's hell!
BENNETT THE SAGE: I HATE!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It has no answers!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It's not that good!
KYLE: A timeless masterpiece of silver screen!
JERK: I’ll make that guy review a film we’ve SEEN!

CHORUS: Look over there at the annoying douchebag
Who puts the artsy crap on trial!
What a wretched human bein’!
INSANE IAN: I like him!
JERK: Shut up, Ian!
KYLE: For my show’s next cinematic feast
I’m doing Beauty and the Beast!
JERK: Well ya better do it RIGHT at least!

CHORUS: HE’S KYYYYYYYYYLE!
It sucks! It sucks! It sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks!
Track Name: Cocteau
KYLE: No one remembers the name Jean Cocteau,
Buried by cels and by ink
I’m here to praise and reclaim Jean Cocteau
And his fable for those who can THINK!
A poet, a painter, a playwright and more
It breaks my artistic morale
At line-dancing cutlery, they shout “encore!”
But they overlook l’original!

No one plots like Cocteau
Frames his shots like Cocteau
Makes his passions your everyday thoughts like Cocteau!
For he makes lucid, elegant tableaus,
Mythic and wondrous to see!
Why, just ask Edith, Igor or Pablo
And they'll point out the man who’s the toast of Paris!

No one plays like Cocteau
Spins a phrase like Cocteau
Fills your gaze with amazing ballets like Cocteau!
JERK: And for THAT he gets critics ejaculating?
KYLE: Don’t judge my kinks OR Cocteau!

CHORUS: He’s dull and weird! He’s overwrought!
KYLE: But look at this petrified fountain of thought!

(spoken)
CHORUS: ...huh?
SPAZZ MASTER: Kyle, it's water. How high ARE your brows?

KYLE: No one’s style’s like Cocteau
None beguile like Cocteau
Makes us view through the eyes of a child like Cocteau
His response to the bourgeoisie’s high-hat
Was to spell out his fairy tale tone
JERK: Can’t believe Michael Bay hasn’t tried that!
MICHAEL BAY: Y’know, KIDS think this movie makes sense!
KID: No we don’t.

JERK: No one bores like Cocteau
Causes snores like Cocteau
Depicts women as gold-diggin' whores like Cocteau!
His effects are so old they need carbon dating!
*spit* to this snob Jean Cocteau!

KYLE: When he was a youth with the Russian ballet
He had barely inscribed a few lines.
But in his old age the Academie Francaise
Consecrated his Orphic designs!

(spoken)
JERK: Hey, you can’t say “Orphic” here!
KYLE: No, I mean...
JERK: You watch your fucking mouth! WE ARE IN FUCKING DISNEYLAND MOTHERFUCKA!

KYLE: No one beams like Cocteau
Writes their themes like Cocteau
As his schemes seem to gleam in your dreams like Cocteau!
For there ne’er was a man who’s as
JERK: OVERRATED!
KYLE: I’ll say it again
He’s as good with a pen
As he is with a play
Or a film, he’ll convey
With his mirrors and gloves
All the things that he loves
Sing his praise from Calais to Bordeaux!
There’s just one great auteur whose whole work is secured!
And his name's C-O-C-
(JERK snickers)
KYLE: C-O-C…
JERK: ...K…
KYLE: C-O-C-T-
JERK: K!
KYLE: C-O-C-K oh, fuck it. COCTEAU!
Track Name: Tony Goldmark & Kyle Kallgren feat. Ven Hosky - Cause It's French
JERK (spoken): Monsieur Kallgren, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I explain EXACTLY why! And now, I invite you to chillax, let me pull up a care, as America proudly presents...your p0wnage.

‘Cause...it’s...French
‘Cause it’s French
You just like it ‘cause it’s French
Where the cheeses cause diseases with their pestilential stench
Go away,
You Francais!
Take your stupid Bastille Day
And your rancid ratatouille
Cooked by vermin from ze seweys
Mon ami
Can’t you see
All their films have such ennui
Oh, monsieur, it makes ze human spirit wrench
It’s just a buncha cryin'
I like my French FRYIN'
Stupid French!
It’s not dense,
It’s just French!

KYLE: Jean Renoir!
Depardieu!
François Truffaut!
JERK: Sacre bleu!
That’s just three surrender-monkeys in zat European zoo!
KYLE: Marcel Proust!
Jean-Paul Sartre!
Claude Monet! Rene Descartes!
All the finest wine and cheeses!
JERK: Jerry Lewis is their Jesus.
KYLE: Notre Dame
And the Louvre
Really, what more must I prove?
Oh, my thirst for highest culture they doth quench!
Your points are all unfair
So get your derriere
Up off that bench
Fists are clenched
Cocteau's soul I shall avenge!
Why does art
Freeze your heart
When it's French?

JERK: You call him artistic
I just call him narcissistic
He cared not for what you thought or what I think
Ah, the line is fine between the artist
And just an artsy-fartsy Barton Fink
This film is dull and heinous
It's too slow to entertain us!
He cares less about the audience than himself!
Jean Cocteau's a self-indulgent asshole
Now, with that assessment
I could use a nice refreshment!

VEN: Part for me!
Part for me!
I could play the pot of tea!
I can do a British accent and I nearly sing on-key!
At the start
You were smart
When you promised me a part!
Now you’ve left the kettle boiling
And my fury’s hot and broiling
It’s my turn
You will learn
Line producers shan’t be spurned!
I will not let you exclude me from this bit!
Don’t leave me suffering!
Give me a part to sing!
KYLE: But we just did!
JERK: We just did!
KYLE: That was it.
VEN: That was IT?!

JERK: ‘Cause it’s French!
‘Cause it’s French!
They surrendered in a trench
They devour filthy molluscs
And their kids, in wine, they drench!
They’re so chic
And unique
All those damn “c’est mani-freaks”
But to you pretentious hipsters
French words may as well be scripture!

You...pre...fer
Talking frogs
To American pig-dogs
Or a teapot with the voice of Judi Dench!
KYLE: That’s Angela Lansbury
JERK: But that don’t rhyme very
Well with French
Oh so French
Freakin’ French
You love ze...FRENCH!!!
Track Name: Logic Of A Dream
JERK: When Jean’s film ends
I just feel numb
He undercut the transformation, made it dumb
But Disney made
That end sublime
A worthy tribute to the tale as old as time

In Cocteau’s film
The lady Belle
Just out of pity for the Beast, in love she fell
In Disney’s film
They grew and learned
And thus, the love between La Belle and Beast was EARNED.

KYLE: The blending thoughts
The dueling fears
It’s not about the people, it’s about ideas!
The dream of life
Before you wake
It’s fiction calling itself fiction, give or take

JERK: Whyyyyyy would they steal a treasure
That would turn to dog shit in their hands?
KYLE: Tryyyyyyy to look past mere pleasure
See, they symbolize short-sighted greed, and its demands

JERK: I'm very lost
KYLE: I know you are
JERK: The plot has holes
KYLE: Just try to think
JERK: She's crying diamonds - is her head made out of coal?
KYLE: You just don't get it, this brilliant film is not a chore
JERK: This stupid film is such a chore
KYLE: It's just the logic of a dream and nothing more
JERK: I get eight hours of that for free each time I snore
KYLE: It's just the logic of a dream and nothing more...
Track Name: Kill The Mouse
KYLE: We’ve been wasting all our lives
Throwing money to the wind
I’ve been spending my life savings buying all these stupid pins!
I’ve been going into debt from shopping at the Disney Store!
Now it’s time to show resistance, folks - it’s TIME TO SAY NO MORE!

There’s a monstrous conglomerate
It’s circling like a vulture
It won’t rest until all culture’s in its grip
They got Marvel and Star Wars and ABC and Muppets
And now even Maker Studios and Blip
Kenneth Graeme, A.A. Milne, P.L. Travers
All consumed and entombed in this house
When they’re done, call Tom Hanks
And they’ll “save Mr. Banks”
What a crock! CUT THE SCHLOCK!
Kill the mouse!

We get stung when we’re young
And they keep us hooked until we die
It’s worse than the tobacco industry
JERK: Come on Kyle! Give a smile!
Don’t you have a hashtag Disney Side?
KYLE: Why certainly! I spell it with a C!
Yes the mouse is a rat, it’s a vermin
It’s the right parasite to delouse
Grab your torch, mount your hate
Time to EXTERMINATE!
Make the rodent meet its fate!

M-I-C, K-E-Y
Why? Because you ruin everything
And so assassination we espouse
Call Judge Doom, get some Dip
Make the rodent take a sip
And let producers back on Blip!
LET’S KILL THE MOUSE!!!

When you wish on a star
Mickey shows up in your living room
And buys your very soul like you were Faust!
It’s a trap! It’s a crime!
Mickey’s running out of time
We’re gonna clean up Anaheim
And kill the --
Track Name: Ven Hosky - Disney and Cocteau
VEN:
Vincent Cassel's film
David Pownall's play
Golan-Globus too
Tried to make it new
With Miss DeMornay

David Lister twice
Meat Loaf videos
Twilight: Breaking Dawn
Perlman comma Ron
Disney’s and Cocteau’s

Jean Cocteau once said
And we say again
Film won’t be an art
‘Til they make its parts
Cheap as ink and pen!

David Bowie's song
Also Stevie Nicks
Books around the world
Beastly with that girl
From the spring break flick

Films with Kevin James
Some Australian show
TV’s Kreuk and Ryan
Monday nights at nine
Disney and Cocteau

Even the X-Men
It will never end
Disney and Cocteau