(Spoken) The following collection of noises is brought to you by The Abstinence Foundation. Abstinence. (Sung) Abstinence! It'll get you laid! LAID!

The guy on TV's not happy! (Not happy?!) The guy on TV's not happy! (Not happy?!) Makes no sense to me I mean, he's on TV But he doesn't seem to be very happy! (a well-a well-a well-a) The guy on TV is yelling (AAAAGH!) The guy on TV is yelling (AAAAGH!) I guess it's up to me To make the guy on TV Feel happy so he stops yelling So I picked up a sign And a marker and a blind Disdain for the thing he was yellin' about I drove to the city And I felt pretty giddy As I picked up a bullhorn to shout (HEY!) The citizens are not happy! (NO!) We the people are just not happy! (UH-UH!) We're here to protest And we will not rest Until the guy on TV's more happy! Everybody say NO! STOP IT! WRONG WRONG WRONG! NO! STOP IT! WRONG WRONG WRONG! When I say No, you say Stop It! Wrong! Wrong! When I say Wrong, you say No! Stop it! Stop i—NO! (Stop it!) No, you’re doing it wrong! (No!) Oh, forget it. When I watch TV (When I watch TV) I don’t wanna see yelling (I don’t wanna see yelling) And I know the TV (I know the TV) Doesn’t wanna yell (doesn’t wanna yell) You don’t know the TV like I do It wouldn’t yell at me unless it had to It yells because it cares I got this bruise when I fell down the stairs And SMASHED MY HEAD INTO THE TV! Well, I didn’t know ‘Til I watched that show That I live in a totalitarian regime But I see the light Rectangular and bright Comin’ from my TV scream! (AAAAAGH!) ‘Cause the guy on TV’s not happy! (Not happy?!) The guy on TV’s still not happy! (Not happy?!) I better keep watchin’ For detailed instructions On how to make TV more happy (happy, happy happy)

(Scat and guitar intro) Well, it's 3AM I got a truckload of lemons And a hundred fifty miles ahead If I'm gonna make it Alert and awake I'm gonna need another cup a' not dead 'Nother cup a' not dead, 'nother cup a' not dead, 'nother cup a' not dead. Well the coffee's gone cold And I'd sell my soul To trade my smelly cab for a bed If I wanna stay alive As I drive and drive I’m gonna need another pill a' not dead 'Nother pill a' not dead, 'nother pill a' not dead, 'Nother pill a' not dead. Now say what you will About the trucker's pill I like to pop 'em 'til my eyes turn red But they just this second Wore off so I reckon I'm-a need another bottle a' not dead 'Nother bottle a' not dead, 'nother bottle a' not dead, 'nother bottle a' not dead. Well, when what you need no longer needs you And the pain you been fightin’ off pulls on through Just upgrade to somethin’ that’ll keep you full a' dread ‘Cause you sure don’t wanna pass out and then crash and then DEAD! Mm-papa-mm-pah-mm-papowpow Now I know what you're thinkin' I should NOT be drinkin' But my liver's crying out to be fed I tried to mix the Jim Bean With some sweet caffeine And now I need another line a' not dead 'Nother line a' not dead, 'nother line a' not dead, 'nother line a' not dead. Don't pay me no mind I'm a-feelin' fine You're tryin' to tell me YOUR nose never bled? Now the blood on the floor Just pours and pours And now I need another eight-ball a' not dead 'Nother eight-ball a' not dead, 'nother eight-ball a' not dead, 'nother eight-ball a' not dead Now my brain says "Stop!" Like a know-it-all cop But I'll listen to my heart instead And my heart keeps a-beatin' A-cravin' the sweet-a-ness Of yet another vial a' not dead 'Nother vial a' not dead, 'nother vial a' not dead, 'nother vial a' not dead. Well, when life hits you like an eighteen-wheeler Gotta get on your knees, try to please your dealer 'Til he injects the good stuff into your head 'Cause if I don't take these drugs I might wake up Dead wacka dead wacka dead wacka dead wacka dead, a-wacka dead! Well my knuckles are bright Freakin' BLINDIN' white I’ll pump ALL you goblin demons fulla lead! I don’t know where I am And don’t give a damn I just need another experimental cranial injection of this newly discovered hormone that gives super-intelligence to apes a' not dead. ‘Nother experiment-– hey, what’s this? Warning: May cause excessive scat. What's that mea...? (excessive scat and guitar solo) I'll spill my load When my heart explodes If I don't put these habits to bed If I'm gonna make it over This next week sober Gonna need another pack a' not dead 'Nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pa-- (coughing until the song ends)

I circle the block a twelfth damn time I ask my offended self why I'm Allowing these parked cars to keep their insistence On maintaining their existences And just as I tie my rage in knots Abruptly my brain connects the dots These fingers inside my blood-drenched gloves Were wrapped 'round the steering wheel of A police car I found in my driveway! I came to my senses and parked in the red But when I emerged from the church I was robbing The car was gone and I was stranded It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault I'll never know what they were thinking It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault Get off of my butt while I'm drinking I wander along down thirteenth street I'm wondering how I'll word my tweet About this mad dog following me for hours I think it's got superpowers He is telling me telepathically "Put kids on a leash, let dogs run free!" I feed him some sandwich meat by hand Meat from the ribs of the man In the tow truck who took away my car That fellow cannot think, and therefore he ain't! And just when I thought I had solved my dog problem Hippies doused my new dog coat with red paint It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault I don't think I'll ever forgive 'em It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault I won't march to their drummer's rhythm (Drum solo interrupted) I open the floorboards to inspect The convict escapees I protect I throw in a bear from a circus in Sydney They're getting along splendidly! And then at my door I hear some knocks I slowly unlock all fourteen locks Outside there's a brain-dead Nazi swine Claiming he wants me to sign For a package! He thinks he can fool me! I know he's Gestapo, Glenn Beck taught me well! I strangle the guy 'til he dies and now my TV movie's in development hell It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault I'd love to get James Dean to play me It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault But that stupid jerk won't obey me It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault Then later my bear mauled some orphans It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault Well, there go my corporate endorsements It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault They're nothing but swindlers and jokers It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault And all of them so mediocre It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault I'll never know what they were thinking (Fade Out)

(Officer down, officer down) (4x) Life on the streets is always rough There ain’t no mercy nowhere The cops all getting paid by the pimps and thugs (pimps and thugs) Only one on the beat is tough enough To make this world less unfair He’ll squish the bad guys like bugs! Strong as seven men with the most unique of minds He’s justice of the hardest kind! He's... Officer Down, Officer Down (What?) Officer Down, Officer Down (Hi!) Officer Down, Officer Down (What happened?) Officer Down, Officer Down! (My name is Officer Down of the Special Police! You’re all under molest!) Born to a fifty-three-year-old From her very very last egg The doctors said he’d die but he proved ‘em wrong! (Proved ‘em wrong) His blood runs swift, his brain runs cold His urine runs down his leg And now he got his very own theme song! He’s hard to bend and impossible to break You’ve just been busted by God’s mistake! He's... Officer Down, Officer Down! (4x) (You have the right to retain science! Anything you stay can be Batman. If you cannot afford Batman, Batman will become Superman!) Whoa-oa, whoa-oa-oa You know these streets, you know these streets These streets can bring an officer down, down, down, down, down You can break the law on the rooftops You can break the law on the ground Or you can break it on Down! (CRASH!) (Ow!) Break the law on Officer Down’s crown Officer Down, Officer Down (4x) (assorted improvised screaming) “They gave me a heaven machine!” (gun shot) “Oops!” OFFICER DOWN!

Don't worry, it's a foregone conclusion She's sufferin' from a brain disease called confusion Any minute now she's gonna see the light Surrender the fight and come home tonight, that's right She'll come crawlin' back Fulla tears and sorrow She'll come crawlin' back Prob'ly by tomorrow She'll wanna beg and grovel but I'm gonna take the high road tonight Damn wicked women, won't letcha hate 'em They force you into a corner 'til you make an ultimatum I don't know how this started, but I know how it ends She'll admit to her friends that she was wrong again and then She'll come crawlin' back Full of adulation She'll come crawlin' back How was your vacation? It's only been five days, have a little patience tonight Well, she'll come crawlin' back I'm serious as a heart attack Just like the baby she is Get me some Tylenol Am I talkin' to the wall? Look at me, what's wrong with you? Do you wanna have to crawl back too? (Guitar solo) I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that I musta misheard you, and got it through my head that You had the audacity to take her side Well, I'd usually let it slide, but my hands are tied! I tried! She'll come crawlin' back Maybe so will you, sir She'll come crawlin' back Beggars won't be choosers But if I letcha get me down I just might lose her tonight Yeah, she'll come crawlin' back Thinkin' she was clever She'll come crawlin' back Lookin' fine as ever It's only been five years, better late than never tonight! (Spoken) One more time, boys! I SAID ONE MORE TIME! (Sung) She'll come crawlin' back Knowin' not to talk back She'll come crawlin' back If only she could walk back It may have seemed a little harsh, but I'd just got my glock back that night (Spoken) I was just testin' it out! I said I was sorry! It was just the base of your spine, woman. Walk it off.

My daddy was a beat-up car That had crashed into a Carl's Jr. star In a truly misconceived daredevil stunt My mama was a green guitar Whose strings were torn out and set on fire By a desperate band of music-hatin', STD-laden punks Well, the two met at the dump Had a freaky three-way with a rusted gas pump Nine weeks later, I popped out somehow And they told me, "Now... When daddy's too damn drunk to let you in the house Sleep on the road! That dirty, smelly plush toy of Minnie Mouse Came from the road! And when we're on road trips And you scream like it's the apocalypse And we chuck you out for fear you might explode Your new babysitter's named the road!" My uncle was a minotaur Who fell in love with a Baconnaise jar And consummated love 'til it was filled He dropped it on the road one day It shattered, much to his dismay And my tiny cousins living in that jar, I must say, weren't thrilled They fried like secret sauce Their society plunged into total chaos Bacon-flavored seed don't stand a chance Against fire ants! That's just what happens when you fall in love with jars Here on the road! You're slashin' tires with the jagged shards Here on the road! How many have to die Before we all can see eye to eye And give every driver a firearm to reload? To defend each other on the road! Now me, I've walked this road for years I've stepped on squirrels and wrestled deers And I can make cars blow up with my mind I haven't changed since Labor Day My wife of ten years thinks I'm gay Last week I tied six chickens 'round my face And drove to Denver blind! It burns each time I piss And the very last time my common sense dis- -rupted me in my happy hour of need I disagreed! I told him everything you'll ever need to know Is on the road! The works of Shakespeare, Bach and Picasso Lie on the road! I don't know why they're there Some dumb museum musta left 'em where Any truck could run 'em over like a toad I heard it call my name when the rooster crowed Connecting every town and province and zip code IS THE GOD-DANG ROAD! ROAD!

(Spoken:) Lead Raccoon: And THAT, kids, is how YOU can just say no to child prostitution. Raccoons: (Assorted exclamations: "Yeah!"; "You know it!"; "Uh-huh!"; and one huge gutteral "YEEEEEEAAAAAAH!!!") Lead Raccoon: Okay, now we'd like to get serious for a moment. We honored members of the Cartoon Raccoon Platoon have been shaping your childhoods, and your childhood's childhoods, for the past six hundred years. We've told you to lay off hard drugs, and to always be kind to strangers. But now it's time for you to do US a favor! So please, shut your pie-hole for two minutes and listen to the following musical business proposal! You guys ready?! Raccoons: (Assorted exclamations: "Yeah!"; "Alright!"; "WOOOO!"; "ROCK AND ROLL!!!") Lead Raccoon: Okay, a one two three four ROCK!!! (pause) Hang on...hang, hang on...hang on...wait, wait...HANG ON!...hang on...hang on...hang on...hang on...hang...okay.

Hey, buddy, won't you let us burn your house down? Ain't no trouble at all! You ask, what's the catch? Well, we've got an itch to scratch We just wanna scratch a match Or two and make great fire balls! All of our services are complimentary! Please stop worrying, sir! If you like heat Our prices can't be beat Now then, which gas would you prefer? We all have passions for a million things And we got us a million one! We feel like Jesus when we spread our wings And we burn everybody else's stuff for fun! So hey, baby, won't you let us burn your grandma Give her somethin' to do (Spoken: Raccoon 1: You're flat. Raccoon 2: Shut up, your mother's a whore!) We gave your keys To a swarm of giant bees Hey, you know we aim to please So how about one "Thank You?" Hey, baby, won't you let us drown your life coach In our Biblical flood? We just drove around The childrens' playground Man, I ain't never seen so much blood! Hey, I just dug up the corpse of Gerald Ford! I'm not quite interested in why. C'mon, let's hang him from a bungee cord And teach the world how to fly-y-y! I told you our services are complimentary We like watchin' stuff burn! It's free, don'tcha get it? Ain't no need for cash or credit! Please enjoy your brand-new shiny burnt-down house in return! Hey, if we're lucky then the wind might pick up Spread that fire around Won't that be nice? Like a baby in a vise If the whole damn city burns down, down, down! Dooby dooby doo dah burn your house down Why not give us a call? You don't have to shout We're just tryin' to help you out, bitch! Ain't no trouble at all!

(Spoken:) Raccoons: (Assorted exclamations: "WOOO!"; "We did it!"; "We're the best!" etc.) Lead Raccoon: That was the greatest thing I've ever seen or heard. And now, we're gonna teach you stupid kids how to saw your own legs off for sympathy money! First, you locate a large saw. And then... (door opens) Tony: Okay, I'm back from Disneyland. And...why is my apartment filled with animated raccoons? (long pause) Raccoons: (Assorted mutterings: "Um..."; "Uh..."; "Well..."; "See, the thing is..."; "Hmmm." etc.) (long pause) Lead Raccoon: GET HIM! Raccoons: (Assorted attacking noises) Tony: (screams) Narrator: Later, in the studio... Garth: Are you sure you're really Tony Goldmark? 'Cuz I... Raccoons: Yes, absolutely! We is totally Marky Goldpox and not at all sixty animated raccoons in a Marky Goldpox suit! We have convinced you of this! Garth: Okay, well this next song is kind of an intense badass country song in the style of Johnny Cash. You think you can handle that right now? Raccoons: No! But you will take it as read that we have convinced you otherwise! Garth: Okay, take one. (Music starts) (Sung:) So, you've found yourself a man Who fulfills your plan To make a damn fool out of me He can fly you to the moon In a hot air balloon He can even make the deaf man see! Well... (door opens) (Spoken:) Tony: Okay, I'm back from the dead. Hey, look what I found! (Machine gun sound effects, assorted raccoons screaming) Tony: Uh yeah, just rewind that please? Thank you. (Song rewinds)

So you found yourself a man Who fulfills your plan To make a damn fool out of me He can fly you to the moon In a hot air balloon He can even make the deaf man see Well, I’ll tell you, bitch You better pray he’s rich Enough to buy you a private nurse ‘Cause before you skipped town You said you’ll see me around But not if I see you first If I see you first, then you’re both gonna stay together Forever underneath the grass You better run real fast ‘Cause if I see you first I’m gonna see you last I’m a man possessed With a slippery chest That I can never keep my feelings on Don’t try and make me change I’m like a devil deranged And I can only grit my teeth so long I wanna see you bleed I wanna see you need Me to call off my gypsy curse You wanna see me cry You wanna see July Well, not if I see you first If I see you first, you better run like a burnin’ dog Who set the fire station up in flames You better change your name ‘Cause if I see you first You’ll have yourself to blame I been waitin’ 'round Too many days For a raise From this pool of tears I’ve been beaten down Too many years Time to shift the gears And in my defense I ain’t got much sense My skull’s three feet dense And I don’t take offenses well I’m gonna send you back to hell Now we can do this hard And leave me twice as scarred Or we can do this the easy way Leave it all behind And get some peace of mind With a fella who earns his pay Come back to me And I guarantee I won’t have to sing another verse But if your answer’s wrong I’ll write a thousand songs While I’m on my way to see you first If I see you first, well I promise you and me We're really gonna cook with gas You better run real fast ‘Cause if I see you first You’ll fly a nonstop jet plane to hell first class Grab your boarding pass ‘Cause if I see you first You’ll feel a switchblade sharper than a broken glass You better hide your ass ‘Cause if I see you first I’m gonna see you last I’m gonna see you last I’m gonna see you last I’m gonna see you last

A maniac Plans his next attack, He craves him some killin' and murderin' He sees some teens He thinks, "Cool beans" Soon victim number one is lettin' out a blood curdlin' scream The director views it all on a view screen from off screen He's drinkin’ whiskey from a paper cup As maniac number two sneaks up He raises his machete with maniacal laugh The director yells "Cut!" and gets CUT STONE COLD IN HALF! Movie in a movie! Sneakin' up from behind It's a movie in a movie Murder for show Or did we just blow your damn minds? A buncha ghosts Sit around, engrossed Watchin' that guy get bisected It’s movie night At the house of fright They talk about the shot and how it ties to connected themes Then the Ghostbusters bust through the flat screen and cross streams They blow up the whole universe And all of the survivors get a deadly curse It’s all being seen at a theater on fire By a trio of teens, one of whom is a vampire! Movie in a movie Recursive cinema It’s a movie in a movie Strap in for the ride The movie’s inside Of a... Movie ‘bout an angel who falls from above Who wipes out all humanity and learns how to love Inside a film about a zombie who yearns to be free Inside a re-imagining of Mac and Me Inside a Holocaust musical with songs by Drake Inside a Smell-O-Vision Nature Trail To Hell remake Inside an outer space pirate flick with Shia LaBeouf Inside a biopic about the life of Shia LaBeouf Inside an buddy cop flick where Jason Statham cries Inside a romantic comedy where everyone dies Inside an inspirational sports film about hackeysack Inside the long-awaited prequel to Kangaroo Jack! Movie in a movie in a movie! The audience Confused and tense Is wonderin’ just what the hell was that The internet Won’t soon forget To never make another movie like that because that sucked Another victim of a bad script, bad timing and worse luck But wait! Amid the sea of hate is one lone guy He says “I kinda liked it!” and gets crucified He vows revenge on every critic, and every review And when he’s resurrected It’s filmed and directed That director gets filmed by a behind the scenes crew And the cycle begins anew! Movie in a movie Nobody knows what’s what It’s a movie in a movie We all start to groan And crawl up our own freakin’ butts! Movie in a movie So much for my career It’s a movie in a movie So far up we crawl I think we might all disappear Movie in a movie Nowhere to run or hide It’s a movie in a movie The fuse has been lit It’s time to commit criticide ‘Cause we all know ALL CRITICS MUST DIE!

Drums keep a-drummin' He's late for the date Motors keep a-hummin' And the bastard's still late Yeah, the groom isn't comin' But still the bride waits Because one damn lane is closed Mr. Giovanni Missed his own daughter's birth My brother Johnny Lost all sense of self-worth And a doggy named Donny Missed his last day on Earth Because one damn lane was closed Prisoners of the 101 Trappin' each others' Fathers and mothers' Daughters and sons Horns keep honking with no voice Everyone's turnin' pro-choice Poor little Simon Missed his baseball game Whole buncha firemen Couldn't beat the damn flame I grew old, got Alzheimer's 'n' Forgot my own name Because one damn lane was closed Poor little Brian Missed his junior prom Private Ryan Missed his flight to Vietnam And my friend missed the dyin' Last words of his mom Because one damn lane was closed All those fat pigs in front of you Who left their pen At 6AM With nothin' better to do They're slowin' down to watch the construction Such fascinating construction A bulldozer's diggin' up dirt The same bulldozer's diggin' up more dirt And the exact same bulldozer continues to dig up more dirt And a guy dressed in orange is pointing at something Poor Mrs. Luddy Missed her job interview My same buddy Missed his mom's funeral too Oh, such cruddy case studies If indeed they are true But the fact remains that one damn lane is closed It's closed, it's gettin' bulldozed And the longer I sit here the more I'm opposed Oh look, it's over And my point is moot Now I've sobered From my rage-oholic hoot But ten miles down the road, there's A movie shoot And all but one damn lane is closed Better step on the brakes Michael Bay wants ten more takes Lord, why didn't I bring my garden hose? Some exhaust would smell so sweet to my nose All these lanes I should be drivin' on are closed

Keep your mouth wide open You keep talkin', we'll keep our hope in The notion that your mouth will close in time I hear your run-on sentence runnin' on And on and on 'til dawn Compensatin' for your devastatin' lack of lines It's all a blur, that's how the guys concur Then we look at her As she regales us with her tales of artsy trash Then she made another point so moot Everybody thought it cute But it made my train of thought derail and crash You said, "I knew he was a Christian from his eyes of love" Well, please would you give me a clue, what are my Jew eyes made of? I see you on the screen Kissing that weirdo In the very final scene Kissing the hero And you're dressed up as your favorite plantation queen, but to me It looks like Satan Kissing Jesus In the Pope's darkest repressed wet dream Now I know it may seem rude and a little crude That I'd be such a prude As to confuse someone like youse for Beelzebub But consider your company You never know where the devil may be He's hiding behind every tree and shrub In the father of your daughter Inside every glass of water Is the angel who fell down go boom Any politician you don't like If they try to pass an upper-class tax hike Burn the witch on his broom! So you're naggin' with teabaggin' brethren under the sun In a voice that makes a noise that sounds like my tea is done! You know I saw you on FOX News And you've been well-taught By the focks who share your views They find you so hot "This community means less than a festering bowl of dog snot!" Must feel like Satan's Kissing Jesus When the bad guy starts to walk in your shoes I have to show you this This piece of socialist propaganda Just follow my hand on my white board This TV entrepreneur is getting crushed by the poor His biggest competitor used to mop up his floors But they've got sympathy, they're gonna cease to be Unless the community (Communists...) supports them communally (Communists...) Wait, who's that actress in view? Blonde hair, eyes of blue Holy Satan, it's you! Supporting U-62! How could you do this? You socialist! Okay, now I'm pissed! Better add your name to the list of secret anti-Chrissts! ("Satan won't be happy about this!") Let's go rehearse that kiss! (Ukulele solo interrupted by accordion solo) You've got another thought comin' but before you proceed You'd better make sure you left your previous thought incomplete Repeat every single point until they're battered and stale And make it sound like a question? Every time you inhale? I heard your daughter's half-Satanic, better call up a priest You weren't given many lines, I wonder why that could be Stop and leer like a deer struck with fear in the headlights And in the rear, there's a bearded man who's not quite right Nobody knows him, he just sits there sighin' And I'm wonderin' which direction would be more edifyin' But you said you liked my hair It's not as hating As my cruel Hebraic stare Must be frustrating Is the Serpent bearing apples or are they pears? Do you care? I guess I'm Satan Kissin' Jesus in an orgy of despair Compensatin' for my sleaziness with extra flair All these Mephistopheleseses are hoggin' the air If you're smart, move to Alaska, they'll elect you mayor And you can start your own society with polar bears! I think that's more than fair (Evil high-pitched background Satanic message)

I look at them poor people in England Speakin' in that accent every day With their silly British voice They don’t know they got the choice To pronounce their words the proper ‘Merr-kin hway! I look at them broke folk a-thievin’ Thinkin’ fire departments grow on trees! If I want my house burnt down To the soily, salted ground Shouldn’t that be chief amongst my liberties? Or have we been taken over by the anti-fire Nazis? It’s time we take back America For those who know what’s best Take back America Those with heartbeats in our chest Take your mistakes back, America And to hell with all the rest Whoa America, America, America I look at them unborn babies dying Billions lost with each vasectomy Scarlet men think they can choose Give ‘em life and they refuse Man, this country sorely needs to get back on-key! I look at that fraud Stephen Hawking I wonder where he gets the gall To pretend his legs don’t work Just to make our feelings hurk I’d like to turn him upside-down and watch him crawl And when I’m done with that I’ll take this country back once and for all! It’s time we take back America Put the Godless on a boat Take back America They’re Satanic as a goat Let’s make the snake hack America Up from it’s snakey Satanic throat Oh America, America… America is full of cowardly schemers Tryin’ to tell me I can’t buy a tank But America is also full of hopeful dreamers Tryin’ to fulfill my destiny to flatten the blood bank! Vampires live there! Some people say God didn’t tell me to steal a bunch of explosives from the back of a truck and blow up the vasectomy clinic I WONDER WHERE THEY GET THE GALL! I’m a Goddamn Christian man With a revelatory plan Y’know, some folk say there ain’t no God at all… Well, I’ll be right here when the dust clears to tell of America’s rise and fall And rise again! (Welcome) back America You’re a zombie at you’re core We’ve gotta take back America From the sickly and the poor! Let them eat cake snacks, America Kill ‘em all to just make sure Oh America, America, America (Spoken:) Let this be a country of one! America, America… (Huge bomb sound effect) (Spoken:) It’s all mine, all of it! I can finally read as many Bibles as I…(sound of glasses breaking) My glasses…well that’s not fair…that's NOT FAIR...

She was only fourteen when her song hit the charts About how she gets off when she breaks losers' hearts A slick power ballad with fiddle strapped on They filed it as Country and contracts were drawn She was humble and small-town and sexy as hell Just the right combination to sell She sold t-shirts and wife beaters, shotguns and Bibles and kegs All with pictures of her with crossed legs While the poor folk kept rackin' up debt She would swim through their cash every night in her jet Smilin' and gigglin' and winkin' and prayin' Sayin' "I'm just like you" as she drank her champagne In her oversized mansion like Charles Foster Kane Far above all the crops and the flowers Set up shop on the top of Humility Tower But despite her success, critics panned her CD They called her work country without the "ry" When she learned what that meant, well she burst into tears But her manager/dad said "Tears are for queers. Now the next time some fool tries to tell you you're nuts Just remember that Christ hates their guts. Satan's got nothin' better to do than to make you feel sad." Then she kissed him and whispered, "Thanks dad." No one missed her mom more than he did But he saw his ex-wife in his young, wealthy kid So sharing a love that dare not speak its name They had dozens of children with half of a brain Who got kicked out of more schools than Charles Foster Kane And a few of 'em drowned in the shower Falling down to the ground from Humility Tower One day while screaming at her maids again She took a bottle of her closest friend Drank a shot and then thought, "Hey, I'm bored so why not run for governor?" (She knew the people loved her) She ran practically unopposed And even then she only won by a nose Then she downed a few more shots and took a brief nap and Woke up in the Capital, wonderin' what happened "I'm the governor now," she realized with a smirk She shrugged both her shoulders and sat down to work And two minutes later she tried to break loose But the windows were locked so escape was no use Then a tall handsome white man appeared at her door With an offer she could not ignore He was seeking to conquer the world with a girl running mate She was female and thus it was fate He had greatness way down in his seed And he knew she'd be just the vagina he'd need! And so she set out to quadruple her fame And she used her old hit song to drive the campaign Yeah, she's running for office like Charles Foster Kane Not just drunken, but roofied with power Ninety proof from the roof of Humility Tower And then she got her own magazine She found a photo of herself as a teen And she pasted that face On her real face's place for the cover (She knew that that would make us love her) The headline was a work of art "Can she save America" question mark And as she took it to press, I swear I heard her mumble "If I make it a question, it'll make me look humble" Then a prime-time cartoon went and called her a phony And words from a cartoon add more acrimony So she went on the news to express her disgust "How DARE this cartoon make a fool out of us! And by us I mean me and by me I mean you! This affects ALL you motherfuckers too! How do you folk expect me to save our poor country someday With these meddling cartoons in the way? I may be a barrel of fish with a free gun attached But I'll make that an itch too immoral to scratch!" So now if you slander her poor wretched name You'll be worse than Al-Qaeda and twice as profane Yeah, she's stifled her subjects like Charles Foster Kane Like a lawnmower stifles a flower What a wife, what a life on Humility Yes, she can cure all diseases and fly with no plane She's a solid-gold shotgun that can't even aim And she's got fewer critics than Citizen Kane As she smiles, all the while her eyes glower Wave Seig Heil from her mile-high Humility Tower And she thinks of her sled twice an hour Yeah, she said she feels dead on Humility Tower And she quietly moans in the shower On her throne made of bones, all alone in Humility Tower

Well, I've been kicked to the curb I've been shocked and disturbed I stepped up to the plate and got struck out by fate Just like I deserve Can’t hit one single curve I've lost every lover and lady who’s had me My wife just ran off with my mistress today sadly Neither one even said goodbye It’s all bullshit I may as well curl up and die Last week I fell from a tree My boss fired me And while he got promoted, my car just exploded Spontaneously Yeah, and so did the key My judgmental neighbor just got me evicted Shot smack up by accident just after I’d kicked it I can’t even say I try It’s all horseshit I might just curl up and die But wait, there’s more! Last night I stepped on a rake I got burned at the stake I slept in again and I got to my friend’s Birthday party late And he’d run out of cake And he peeled off my skin with a potato peeler And doused me in blood salt from non-fair-trade salt dealers Workin’ to death in the salty mines It’s all hogwash I just might curl up and… Dine on a dinner of broken glass And an old rotten shoe that smells just like ass Top it off with a bottle of Titanic tears Vintage 1912, oh my God what a year A soup made with poison and anti-freeze For dessert, a pie made of locusts and bees And the waiter’s not nice and the check’s overpriced And it comes with a cyanide mint I can take the hint Yeah, it’s time to give in Ain’t no way I can win I got way too much pain spinnin’ 'round in my brain And I’m stretched too thin Play the damn violin Got hit in the face with a big freakin’ shovel Got bit in the ace by a dog with no muzzle Got trampled by horses and coughed up a lung And then torn up by tigers who swallowed my tongue Last week while reciting some big science lectures Got sucked through a wormhole and wound up in Texas They strung me up, hung me and threw Bibles at me Got shot in the head by six preachers exactly Abducted by martians and forced into labor Got cut clean in half by a rusted light saber Been chewed up and spit out and chewed up some more And then swallowed, digested, shit out on the floor And then eaten again by a dog who then died And was buried in dirt where the worms all reside And they ate me a third time ‘cause why the hell not? I been worm shit and germ shit and drowned in shit water Been kidnapped and bitch-slapped and wiretapped on Monday Got swindled by goblins for my first-born son They power-sanded my nipples and chopped off my penis Gone mad, I've been had, I’m a tad inconvenienced Got spiny and whiny and finally I died And when I arrived At the Pearly Gates The good lord said, "Sorry, boy, you’re too late I just been disproven by atheists Turns out I’m a fraud, I don’t even exist" It’s all wormshit I think I’m gonna… I said I think I’m gonna… I think I’m gonna lay in bed and listen to radio static for hidden conspiratorial messages all day (Spoken:) Thank you, I love you all, goodnight.

Every city, every street Hear them march and stomp their feet Look out - it's asshole versus asshole Movie houses, fast food joints Smell the points and counterpoints Flyin’ out of asshole versus asshole. Who can talk the loudest? Who can type the biggest? Which asshole smells sweetest today? Scream in everybody’s ear Trivialize your neighbor’s fear You too can be an asshole versus asshole Sick and healthy, rich and poor Boys and girls from shore to shore Grow up with the dream of being an asshole Find your genie, make your wish Duplicate more loaves and fish Then shit ‘em out through asshole vs. asshole Who has all the answers Who can cure the cancers Who can chase your problems away? It’s the bout of the century And when you’re born, your ticket’s free Front row center, asshole versus asshole Old man, lyin' in a bed Tumor growin' in his head Thinks, “I shoulda been a bigger asshole” Maybe all the pain would cease Maybe we might have world peace If I’d just been a slightly bigger asshole Who is here to save us all? Who can stand the most feet tall? Who can make life better with what they have to say? God loves us all, and all we do Maybe God’s an asshole too Asshole versus asshole versus asshole versus asshole versus asshole versus...