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Brows Held High: Beauty and the Beast

by Kyle Kallgren & Tony Goldmark

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Thomas Reed
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Thomas Reed Tony Goldmark's music has always been sharp, smart, funny and sometimes caustic. I think this is the first time he's collaborated with anyone on song, and it's amazing.
Joseph Reinemann
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Joseph Reinemann I prefer my in-depth analysis delivered through song!
...Plus I requested a soundtrack in the comments of TGWTG and somehow missed the link in the credits on the first viewing, so I kinda had to buy it after that. Favorite track: Disney and Cocteau.
Juliann Pichelski
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Juliann Pichelski Kyle Kallgren singing! Favorite track: Cocteau.
Jacob Miller
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Jacob Miller This Series of Parody numbers from the 1991 Disney Classic are well produced, well written, well performed, and above all else, really funny. Favorite track: Kill The Mouse.
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1.
KYLE: Brows Held High, my respected web show I opine for a couple bucks Brows Held High, everybody loves it All my colleagues say... PUSHING UP ROSES: It sucks! BENNETT THE SAGE: It sucks! TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It sucks! LAST ANGRY GEEK: It sucks! NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It sucks! KYLE: In 1946 the Reich had fallen And France no longer said “Sieg Heil!” And from this new status quo Came a man named Jean Cocteau And he made a fairy tale... LINKARA: Good morning, Kyle! (spoken) KYLE: Good morning Monsieur! LINKARA: Where are you off to? KYLE: Reviewing a movie. I found the most wonderful story about the nature of love and the creative process and an allusion to Orpheus... LINKARA: That’s nice. Viga! More cybermats! Hurry up! NASH, FILM BRAIN and RAP CRITIC: Look there he goes He thinks he’s smart or something A most pretentious cinephile OBSCURUS LUPA: With a condescending gaze PHELOUS: And an allergy to praise ALL FIVE: What a brows-held-highfalutin prick, that Kyle! CHRIS THE NERD: It sucks! IANONNE: It blows! MISS NIGHTMARE: It raped my childhood! MIKEY INSANITY: It’s bad! MEDIA HUNTER: It’s worse! LINKARA: It's Uwe Boll! ROSENHACKER: It's dumb! SHEA: It’s weird! R.L. KING: It’s got Ben Affleck! KYLE: It delves into a tortured artist's soul! (Spoken) ALL THREE: What? ROSENHACKER: How is this art? R.L. KING: Artists have souls? SHEA: I can torture Sam Kieth?! DIAMANDA HAGAN: He only touches films we’ve never heard of Can you believe he has such guile? OMEGA GEEK: Why should we click on a link If we don’t know what to think? BOTH: No, I just don’t understand the ways of Kyle. KYLE: Oh, it needs no announcing, Just how many hearts this tale has moved. Ev’n if they fail pronouncing The name “Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve” PAW: Hello, I’m Paw and now it’s time for Best/Worst! The best is obviously me! And the worst is yonder snob Who disliked Les Misérables Do I really have to spell it out? CHORUS: I think you have to spell it out PAW AND CHORUS: Alright, let’s spell it out! K-Y-L-E! JERK: In 1991 the Mouse was thriving With Eisner, Katzenberg and Wells When the studio unveiled A new-fangled fairy tale With a story line that rang a couple Belles.... FANGIRL CHORUS: Hey look! Some Jerk! He’s got a camera! Who’s he? Dunno I thought you knew I think he does Reviews of Disney I’ve never seen his show so I’ve no clue LAST ANGRY GEEK: It sucks! PUSHING UP ROSES: It blows! TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's crap! BENNETT THE SAGE: It's shit! NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It's worse than cancer! LAST ANGRY GEEK: It's overrated! PUSHING UP ROSES: It's meh! BENNETT THE SAGE: It's drek! TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's bleh! LAST ANGRY GEEK: It's wack! PUSHING UP ROSES: I feel unclean! KYLE: So let's review! Sampled Vocal: It stinks! LAST ANGRY GEEK: It hurts! TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's hell! BENNETT THE SAGE: I HATE! NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It has no answers! PUSHING UP ROSES: It's not that good! KYLE: A timeless masterpiece of silver screen! JERK: I’ll make that guy review a film we’ve SEEN! CHORUS: Look over there at the annoying douchebag Who puts the artsy crap on trial! What a wretched human bein’! INSANE IAN: I like him! JERK: Shut up, Ian! KYLE: For my show’s next cinematic feast I’m doing Beauty and the Beast! JERK: Well ya better do it RIGHT at least! CHORUS: HE’S KYYYYYYYYYLE! It sucks! It sucks! It sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks!
2.
Cocteau 03:42
KYLE: No one remembers the name Jean Cocteau, Buried by cels and by ink I’m here to praise and reclaim Jean Cocteau And his fable for those who can THINK! A poet, a painter, a playwright and more It breaks my artistic morale At line-dancing cutlery, they shout “encore!” But they overlook l’original! No one plots like Cocteau Frames his shots like Cocteau Makes his passions your everyday thoughts like Cocteau! For he makes lucid, elegant tableaus, Mythic and wondrous to see! Why, just ask Edith, Igor or Pablo And they'll point out the man who’s the toast of Paris! No one plays like Cocteau Spins a phrase like Cocteau Fills your gaze with amazing ballets like Cocteau! JERK: And for THAT he gets critics ejaculating? KYLE: Don’t judge my kinks OR Cocteau! CHORUS: He’s dull and weird! He’s overwrought! KYLE: But look at this petrified fountain of thought! (spoken) CHORUS: ...huh? SPAZZ MASTER: Kyle, it's water. How high ARE your brows? KYLE: No one’s style’s like Cocteau None beguile like Cocteau Makes us view through the eyes of a child like Cocteau His response to the bourgeoisie’s high-hat Was to spell out his fairy tale tone JERK: Can’t believe Michael Bay hasn’t tried that! MICHAEL BAY: Y’know, KIDS think this movie makes sense! KID: No we don’t. JERK: No one bores like Cocteau Causes snores like Cocteau Depicts women as gold-diggin' whores like Cocteau! His effects are so old they need carbon dating! *spit* to this snob Jean Cocteau! KYLE: When he was a youth with the Russian ballet He had barely inscribed a few lines. But in his old age the Academie Francaise Consecrated his Orphic designs! (spoken) JERK: Hey, you can’t say “Orphic” here! KYLE: No, I mean... JERK: You watch your fucking mouth! WE ARE IN FUCKING DISNEYLAND MOTHERFUCKA! KYLE: No one beams like Cocteau Writes their themes like Cocteau As his schemes seem to gleam in your dreams like Cocteau! For there ne’er was a man who’s as JERK: OVERRATED! KYLE: I’ll say it again He’s as good with a pen As he is with a play Or a film, he’ll convey With his mirrors and gloves All the things that he loves Sing his praise from Calais to Bordeaux! There’s just one great auteur whose whole work is secured! And his name's C-O-C- (JERK snickers) KYLE: C-O-C… JERK: ...K… KYLE: C-O-C-T- JERK: K! KYLE: C-O-C-K oh, fuck it. COCTEAU!
3.
JERK (spoken): Monsieur Kallgren, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I explain EXACTLY why! And now, I invite you to chillax, let me pull up a care, as America proudly presents...your p0wnage. ‘Cause...it’s...French ‘Cause it’s French You just like it ‘cause it’s French Where the cheeses cause diseases with their pestilential stench Go away, You Francais! Take your stupid Bastille Day And your rancid ratatouille Cooked by vermin from ze seweys Mon ami Can’t you see All their films have such ennui Oh, monsieur, it makes ze human spirit wrench It’s just a buncha cryin' I like my French FRYIN' Stupid French! It’s not dense, It’s just French! KYLE: Jean Renoir! Depardieu! François Truffaut! JERK: Sacre bleu! That’s just three surrender-monkeys in zat European zoo! KYLE: Marcel Proust! Jean-Paul Sartre! Claude Monet! Rene Descartes! All the finest wine and cheeses! JERK: Jerry Lewis is their Jesus. KYLE: Notre Dame And the Louvre Really, what more must I prove? Oh, my thirst for highest culture they doth quench! Your points are all unfair So get your derriere Up off that bench Fists are clenched Cocteau's soul I shall avenge! Why does art Freeze your heart When it's French? JERK: You call him artistic I just call him narcissistic He cared not for what you thought or what I think Ah, the line is fine between the artist And just an artsy-fartsy Barton Fink This film is dull and heinous It's too slow to entertain us! He cares less about the audience than himself! Jean Cocteau's a self-indulgent asshole Now, with that assessment I could use a nice refreshment! VEN: Part for me! Part for me! I could play the pot of tea! I can do a British accent and I nearly sing on-key! At the start You were smart When you promised me a part! Now you’ve left the kettle boiling And my fury’s hot and broiling It’s my turn You will learn Line producers shan’t be spurned! I will not let you exclude me from this bit! Don’t leave me suffering! Give me a part to sing! KYLE: But we just did! JERK: We just did! KYLE: That was it. VEN: That was IT?! JERK: ‘Cause it’s French! ‘Cause it’s French! They surrendered in a trench They devour filthy molluscs And their kids, in wine, they drench! They’re so chic And unique All those damn “c’est mani-freaks” But to you pretentious hipsters French words may as well be scripture! You...pre...fer Talking frogs To American pig-dogs Or a teapot with the voice of Judi Dench! KYLE: That’s Angela Lansbury JERK: But that don’t rhyme very Well with French Oh so French Freakin’ French You love ze...FRENCH!!!
4.
JERK: When Jean’s film ends I just feel numb He undercut the transformation, made it dumb But Disney made That end sublime A worthy tribute to the tale as old as time In Cocteau’s film The lady Belle Just out of pity for the Beast, in love she fell In Disney’s film They grew and learned And thus, the love between La Belle and Beast was EARNED. KYLE: The blending thoughts The dueling fears It’s not about the people, it’s about ideas! The dream of life Before you wake It’s fiction calling itself fiction, give or take JERK: Whyyyyyy would they steal a treasure That would turn to dog shit in their hands? KYLE: Tryyyyyyy to look past mere pleasure See, they symbolize short-sighted greed, and its demands JERK: I'm very lost KYLE: I know you are JERK: The plot has holes KYLE: Just try to think JERK: She's crying diamonds - is her head made out of coal? KYLE: You just don't get it, this brilliant film is not a chore JERK: This stupid film is such a chore KYLE: It's just the logic of a dream and nothing more JERK: I get eight hours of that for free each time I snore KYLE: It's just the logic of a dream and nothing more...
5.
KYLE: We’ve been wasting all our lives Throwing money to the wind I’ve been spending my life savings buying all these stupid pins! I’ve been going into debt from shopping at the Disney Store! Now it’s time to show resistance, folks - it’s TIME TO SAY NO MORE! There’s a monstrous conglomerate It’s circling like a vulture It won’t rest until all culture’s in its grip They got Marvel and Star Wars and ABC and Muppets And now even Maker Studios and Blip Kenneth Graeme, A.A. Milne, P.L. Travers All consumed and entombed in this house When they’re done, call Tom Hanks And they’ll “save Mr. Banks” What a crock! CUT THE SCHLOCK! Kill the mouse! We get stung when we’re young And they keep us hooked until we die It’s worse than the tobacco industry JERK: Come on Kyle! Give a smile! Don’t you have a hashtag Disney Side? KYLE: Why certainly! I spell it with a C! Yes the mouse is a rat, it’s a vermin It’s the right parasite to delouse Grab your torch, mount your hate Time to EXTERMINATE! Make the rodent meet its fate! M-I-C, K-E-Y Why? Because you ruin everything And so assassination we espouse Call Judge Doom, get some Dip Make the rodent take a sip And let producers back on Blip! LET’S KILL THE MOUSE!!! When you wish on a star Mickey shows up in your living room And buys your very soul like you were Faust! It’s a trap! It’s a crime! Mickey’s running out of time We’re gonna clean up Anaheim And kill the --
6.
VEN: Vincent Cassel's film David Pownall's play Golan-Globus too Tried to make it new With Miss DeMornay David Lister twice Meat Loaf videos Twilight: Breaking Dawn Perlman comma Ron Disney’s and Cocteau’s Jean Cocteau once said And we say again Film won’t be an art ‘Til they make its parts Cheap as ink and pen! David Bowie's song Also Stevie Nicks Books around the world Beastly with that girl From the spring break flick Films with Kevin James Some Australian show TV’s Kreuk and Ryan Monday nights at nine Disney and Cocteau Even the X-Men It will never end Disney and Cocteau

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All the songs from Kyle Kallgren and Some Jerk With A Camera's epic three-part co-review of Jean Cocteau's LA BELLE ET LA BETE (1946). Watch it now: www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLjP6Gt_QLgX4DphP-3CAeCWqD6ds7-lUr

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released September 26, 2014

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Tony Goldmark Los Angeles, California

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