Tony Goldmark & Kyle Kallgren feat. Ven Hosky - Cause It's French

from by Kyle Kallgren & Tony Goldmark

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A parody of "Be Our Guest" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
Original Music by Alan Menken
Original Lyrics by Howard Ashman
Parody Lyrics by Tony Goldmark and Kyle Kallgren


JERK (spoken): Monsieur Kallgren, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I explain EXACTLY why! And now, I invite you to chillax, let me pull up a care, as America proudly presents...your p0wnage.

‘Cause it’s French
You just like it ‘cause it’s French
Where the cheeses cause diseases with their pestilential stench
Go away,
You Francais!
Take your stupid Bastille Day
And your rancid ratatouille
Cooked by vermin from ze seweys
Mon ami
Can’t you see
All their films have such ennui
Oh, monsieur, it makes ze human spirit wrench
It’s just a buncha cryin'
I like my French FRYIN'
Stupid French!
It’s not dense,
It’s just French!

KYLE: Jean Renoir!
François Truffaut!
JERK: Sacre bleu!
That’s just three surrender-monkeys in zat European zoo!
KYLE: Marcel Proust!
Jean-Paul Sartre!
Claude Monet! Rene Descartes!
All the finest wine and cheeses!
JERK: Jerry Lewis is their Jesus.
KYLE: Notre Dame
And the Louvre
Really, what more must I prove?
Oh, my thirst for highest culture they doth quench!
Your points are all unfair
So get your derriere
Up off that bench
Fists are clenched
Cocteau's soul I shall avenge!
Why does art
Freeze your heart
When it's French?

JERK: You call him artistic
I just call him narcissistic
He cared not for what you thought or what I think
Ah, the line is fine between the artist
And just an artsy-fartsy Barton Fink
This film is dull and heinous
It's too slow to entertain us!
He cares less about the audience than himself!
Jean Cocteau's a self-indulgent asshole
Now, with that assessment
I could use a nice refreshment!

VEN: Part for me!
Part for me!
I could play the pot of tea!
I can do a British accent and I nearly sing on-key!
At the start
You were smart
When you promised me a part!
Now you’ve left the kettle boiling
And my fury’s hot and broiling
It’s my turn
You will learn
Line producers shan’t be spurned!
I will not let you exclude me from this bit!
Don’t leave me suffering!
Give me a part to sing!
KYLE: But we just did!
JERK: We just did!
KYLE: That was it.
VEN: That was IT?!

JERK: ‘Cause it’s French!
‘Cause it’s French!
They surrendered in a trench
They devour filthy molluscs
And their kids, in wine, they drench!
They’re so chic
And unique
All those damn “c’est mani-freaks”
But to you pretentious hipsters
French words may as well be scripture!

Talking frogs
To American pig-dogs
Or a teapot with the voice of Judi Dench!
KYLE: That’s Angela Lansbury
JERK: But that don’t rhyme very
Well with French
Oh so French
Freakin’ French
You love ze...FRENCH!!!


from Brows Held High: Beauty and the Beast, released September 26, 2014
(In order of appearance)
TONY GOLDMARK as Some Jerk With A Camera




Tony Goldmark Los Angeles, California

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