Kyle Kallgren & Tony Goldmark feat. Paul Schuler and the MAGFest Tabernacle Choir - Kyle

from by Kyle Kallgren & Tony Goldmark

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about

A parody of "Belle" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
Original Music by Alan Menken
Original Lyrics by Howard Ashman
Parody Lyrics by Kyle Kallgren and Tony Goldmark

lyrics

KYLE: Brows Held High, my respected web show
I opine for a couple bucks
Brows Held High, everybody loves it
All my colleagues say...
PUSHING UP ROSES: It sucks!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It sucks!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It sucks!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It sucks!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It sucks!

KYLE: In 1946 the Reich had fallen
And France no longer said “Sieg Heil!”
And from this new status quo
Came a man named Jean Cocteau
And he made a fairy tale...
LINKARA: Good morning, Kyle!

(spoken)
KYLE: Good morning Monsieur!
LINKARA: Where are you off to?
KYLE: Reviewing a movie. I found the most wonderful story about the nature of love and the creative process and an allusion to Orpheus...
LINKARA: That’s nice. Viga! More cybermats! Hurry up!

NASH, FILM BRAIN and RAP CRITIC: Look there he goes
He thinks he’s smart or something
A most pretentious cinephile
OBSCURUS LUPA: With a condescending gaze
PHELOUS: And an allergy to praise
ALL FIVE: What a brows-held-highfalutin prick, that Kyle!

CHRIS THE NERD: It sucks!
IANONNE: It blows!
MISS NIGHTMARE: It raped my childhood!
MIKEY INSANITY: It’s bad!
MEDIA HUNTER: It’s worse!
LINKARA: It's Uwe Boll!
ROSENHACKER: It's dumb!
SHEA: It’s weird!
R.L. KING: It’s got Ben Affleck!
KYLE: It delves into a tortured artist's soul!

(Spoken)
ALL THREE: What?
ROSENHACKER: How is this art?
R.L. KING: Artists have souls?
SHEA: I can torture Sam Kieth?!

DIAMANDA HAGAN: He only touches films we’ve never heard of
Can you believe he has such guile?
OMEGA GEEK: Why should we click on a link
If we don’t know what to think?
BOTH: No, I just don’t understand the ways of Kyle.

KYLE: Oh, it needs no announcing,
Just how many hearts this tale has moved.
Ev’n if they fail pronouncing
The name “Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve”

PAW: Hello, I’m Paw and now it’s time for Best/Worst!
The best is obviously me!
And the worst is yonder snob
Who disliked Les Misérables
Do I really have to spell it out?
CHORUS: I think you have to spell it out
PAW AND CHORUS: Alright, let’s spell it out! K-Y-L-E!

JERK: In 1991 the Mouse was thriving
With Eisner, Katzenberg and Wells
When the studio unveiled
A new-fangled fairy tale
With a story line that rang a couple Belles....

FANGIRL CHORUS: Hey look! Some Jerk!
He’s got a camera!
Who’s he? Dunno
I thought you knew
I think he does
Reviews of Disney
I’ve never seen his show so I’ve no clue

LAST ANGRY GEEK: It sucks!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It blows!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's crap!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It's shit!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It's worse than cancer!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It's overrated!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It's meh!
BENNETT THE SAGE: It's drek!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's bleh!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It's wack!
PUSHING UP ROSES: I feel unclean!
KYLE: So let's review!
Sampled Vocal: It stinks!
LAST ANGRY GEEK: It hurts!
TODD IN THE SHADOWS: It's hell!
BENNETT THE SAGE: I HATE!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: It has no answers!
PUSHING UP ROSES: It's not that good!
KYLE: A timeless masterpiece of silver screen!
JERK: I’ll make that guy review a film we’ve SEEN!

CHORUS: Look over there at the annoying douchebag
Who puts the artsy crap on trial!
What a wretched human bein’!
INSANE IAN: I like him!
JERK: Shut up, Ian!
KYLE: For my show’s next cinematic feast
I’m doing Beauty and the Beast!
JERK: Well ya better do it RIGHT at least!

CHORUS: HE’S KYYYYYYYYYLE!
It sucks! It sucks! It sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks!

credits

from Brows Held High: Beauty and the Beast, released September 26, 2014
(In order of appearance)
KYLE KALLGREN as Kyle
SARAH WILSON as Pushing Up Roses
BENNETT WHITE as Bennett the Sage
TODD NATHANSON as Todd In the Shadows
BRIAN HEINZ as The Last Angry Geek
DOUG WALKER as The Nostalgia Critic
LEWIS LOVHAUG as Linkara
NASH BOZARD as Nash
MATTHEW BUCK as Film Brain
DAREN JACKSON as Rap Critic
ALLISON PREGLER as Obscurus Lupa
PHELAN PORTEOUS as Phelous
CHRIS CARON as Chris the Nerd
MATT IANONNE as Iannone
CASEY KANE as Miss Nightmare
MIKEY EDERER as Mikey Insanity
JOSEPH GERBENSKY Media Hunter
JARED ROSENFELD as Rosenhacker
SHEA KOSHAN as Shea
ZACH HURST as R.L. King
XARIA BYRON as Diamanda Hagan
AMANDA SPIKOL as The Omega Geek
PAUL SCHULER as Paw
TONY GOLDMARK as Some Jerk With A Camera
SONIA FIRSTER, ELLEN McCARTHY and MARIBETH McCARTHY as Fangirl Chorus
IAN BONDS as Insane Ian

Chorus Vocals:
KEVIN ANDERSON
DAVID GANSSLE
NICHOLAS BOGROFF GANSSLE
ELISA HANSEN
ALEX KRUMWIEDE
JAMIE MAURER
LEO THOMPSON
JOE DINOZZI
KATIE MARIE DUNNE
KAT MAC
BRANDON NICHOLS
JULIA PIFFERAS
AMY TAYLOE

And special thanks to EVERYONE AT MAGFEST 2014!

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