supported by
/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

      $1 USD  or more

     

about

A parody of "Gaston" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
Original Music by Alan Menken
Original Lyrics by Howard Ashman
Parody Lyrics by Kyle Kallgren and Tony Goldmark

lyrics

KYLE: No one remembers the name Jean Cocteau,
Buried by cels and by ink
I’m here to praise and reclaim Jean Cocteau
And his fable for those who can THINK!
A poet, a painter, a playwright and more
It breaks my artistic morale
At line-dancing cutlery, they shout “encore!”
But they overlook l’original!

No one plots like Cocteau
Frames his shots like Cocteau
Makes his passions your everyday thoughts like Cocteau!
For he makes lucid, elegant tableaus,
Mythic and wondrous to see!
Why, just ask Edith, Igor or Pablo
And they'll point out the man who’s the toast of Paris!

No one plays like Cocteau
Spins a phrase like Cocteau
Fills your gaze with amazing ballets like Cocteau!
JERK: And for THAT he gets critics ejaculating?
KYLE: Don’t judge my kinks OR Cocteau!

CHORUS: He’s dull and weird! He’s overwrought!
KYLE: But look at this petrified fountain of thought!

(spoken)
CHORUS: ...huh?
SPAZZ MASTER: Kyle, it's water. How high ARE your brows?

KYLE: No one’s style’s like Cocteau
None beguile like Cocteau
Makes us view through the eyes of a child like Cocteau
His response to the bourgeoisie’s high-hat
Was to spell out his fairy tale tone
JERK: Can’t believe Michael Bay hasn’t tried that!
MICHAEL BAY: Y’know, KIDS think this movie makes sense!
KID: No we don’t.

JERK: No one bores like Cocteau
Causes snores like Cocteau
Depicts women as gold-diggin' whores like Cocteau!
His effects are so old they need carbon dating!
*spit* to this snob Jean Cocteau!

KYLE: When he was a youth with the Russian ballet
He had barely inscribed a few lines.
But in his old age the Academie Francaise
Consecrated his Orphic designs!

(spoken)
JERK: Hey, you can’t say “Orphic” here!
KYLE: No, I mean...
JERK: You watch your fucking mouth! WE ARE IN FUCKING DISNEYLAND MOTHERFUCKA!

KYLE: No one beams like Cocteau
Writes their themes like Cocteau
As his schemes seem to gleam in your dreams like Cocteau!
For there ne’er was a man who’s as
JERK: OVERRATED!
KYLE: I’ll say it again
He’s as good with a pen
As he is with a play
Or a film, he’ll convey
With his mirrors and gloves
All the things that he loves
Sing his praise from Calais to Bordeaux!
There’s just one great auteur whose whole work is secured!
And his name's C-O-C-
(JERK snickers)
KYLE: C-O-C…
JERK: ...K…
KYLE: C-O-C-T-
JERK: K!
KYLE: C-O-C-K oh, fuck it. COCTEAU!

credits

from Brows Held High: Beauty and the Beast, released September 26, 2014
(In order of appearance)
KYLE KALLGREN as Kyle
TONY GOLDMARK as Some Jerk With A Camera
CHARLIE CALLAHAN as Spazz Master and Kid
GARRETT SNOOK as Michael Bay

Additional Chorus Vocals:
HALEY BAKER CALLAHAN
MORGAN FUNDER

tags

license

about

Tony Goldmark Los Angeles, California

contact / help

Contact Tony Goldmark

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code