Goldmark After Dark

by Tony Goldmark

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Tony Goldmark's first solo album in ten years, featuring the Logan Award-nominated Dr. Demento smash hit "The Guy On TV Is Not Happy"!


released April 15, 2014

All Songs Written by Tony Goldmark
Produced by Joe Goldmark and Tony Goldmark
Recorded, Engineered and Mixed by Garth Webber at Red Rooster Studios, Berkeley, CA
Cover Photo by Paul Kamen
Graphic Design by Jack Shen

This album is dedicated to the memory of




Tony Goldmark Los Angeles, California

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Track Name: The Abstinence Anthem
The following collection of noises is brought to you by The Abstinence Foundation. Abstinence.

It'll get you laid!
Track Name: The Guy On TV Is Not Happy
The guy on TV's not happy! (Not happy?!)
The guy on TV's not happy! (Not happy?!)
Makes no sense to me
I mean, he's on TV
But he doesn't seem to be very happy!
(a well-a well-a well-a)

The guy on TV is yelling (AAAAGH!)
The guy on TV is yelling (AAAAGH!)
I guess it's up to me
To make the guy on TV
Feel happy so he stops yelling

So I picked up a sign
And a marker and a blind
Disdain for the thing he was yellin' about
I drove to the city
And I felt pretty giddy
As I picked up a bullhorn to shout (HEY!)

The citizens are not happy! (NO!)
We the people are just not happy! (UH-UH!)
We're here to protest
And we will not rest
Until the guy on TV's more happy!

Everybody say
When I say No, you say Stop It!
Wrong! Wrong!
When I say Wrong, you say No!
Stop it! Stop i—NO! (Stop it!)
No, you’re doing it wrong! (No!)
Oh, forget it.

When I watch TV (When I watch TV)
I don’t wanna see yelling (I don’t wanna see yelling)
And I know the TV (I know the TV)
Doesn’t wanna yell (doesn’t wanna yell)
You don’t know the TV like I do
It wouldn’t yell at me unless it had to
It yells because it cares
I got this bruise when I fell down the stairs

Well, I didn’t know
‘Til I watched that show
That I live in a totalitarian regime
But I see the light
Rectangular and bright
Comin’ from my TV scream! (AAAAAGH!)

‘Cause the guy on TV’s not happy! (Not happy?!)
The guy on TV’s still not happy! (Not happy?!)
I better keep watchin’
For detailed instructions
On how to make TV more happy (happy, happy happy)
Track Name: Not Dead
(Scat and guitar intro)

Well, it's 3AM
I got a truckload of lemons
And a hundred fifty miles ahead
If I'm gonna make it
Alert and awake
I'm gonna need another cup a' not dead
'Nother cup a' not dead, 'nother cup a' not dead, 'nother cup a' not dead.

Well the coffee's gone cold
And I'd sell my soul
To trade my smelly cab for a bed
If I wanna stay alive
As I drive and drive
I’m gonna need another pill a' not dead
'Nother pill a' not dead, 'nother pill a' not dead, 'Nother pill a' not dead.

Now say what you will
About the trucker's pill
I like to pop 'em 'til my eyes turn red
But they just this second
Wore off so I reckon
I'm-a need another bottle a' not dead
'Nother bottle a' not dead, 'nother bottle a' not dead, 'nother bottle a' not dead.

Well, when what you need no longer needs you
And the pain you been fightin’ off pulls on through
Just upgrade to somethin’ that’ll keep you full a' dread
‘Cause you sure don’t wanna pass out and then crash and then DEAD!

Now I know what you're thinkin'
I should NOT be drinkin'
But my liver's crying out to be fed
I tried to mix the Jim Bean
With some sweet caffeine
And now I need another line a' not dead
'Nother line a' not dead, 'nother line a' not dead, 'nother line a' not dead.

Don't pay me no mind
I'm a-feelin' fine
You're tryin' to tell me YOUR nose never bled?
Now the blood on the floor
Just pours and pours
And now I need another eight-ball a' not dead
'Nother eight-ball a' not dead, 'nother eight-ball a' not dead, 'nother eight-ball a' not dead

Now my brain says "Stop!"
Like a know-it-all cop
But I'll listen to my heart instead
And my heart keeps a-beatin'
A-cravin' the sweet-a-ness
Of yet another vial a' not dead
'Nother vial a' not dead, 'nother vial a' not dead, 'nother vial a' not dead.

Well, when life hits you like an eighteen-wheeler
Gotta get on your knees, try to please your dealer
'Til he injects the good stuff into your head
'Cause if I don't take these drugs I might wake up
Dead wacka dead wacka dead wacka dead wacka dead, a-wacka dead!

Well my knuckles are bright
Freakin' BLINDIN' white
I’ll pump ALL you goblin demons fulla lead!
I don’t know where I am
And don’t give a damn
I just need another experimental cranial injection of this newly discovered hormone that gives super-intelligence to apes a' not dead.
‘Nother experiment-– hey, what’s this? Warning: May cause excessive scat. What's that mea...?

(excessive scat and guitar solo)

I'll spill my load
When my heart explodes
If I don't put these habits to bed
If I'm gonna make it over
This next week sober
Gonna need another pack a' not dead
'Nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pack a' not dead, 'nother pa-- (coughing until the song ends)
Track Name: Everyone Else
I circle the block a twelfth damn time
I ask my offended self why I'm
Allowing these parked cars to keep their insistence
On maintaining their existences
And just as I tie my rage in knots
Abruptly my brain connects the dots
These fingers inside my blood-drenched gloves
Were wrapped 'round the steering wheel of
A police car I found in my driveway!
I came to my senses and parked in the red
But when I emerged from the church I was robbing
The car was gone and I was stranded

It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
I'll never know what they were thinking
It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
Get off of my butt while I'm drinking

I wander along down thirteenth street
I'm wondering how I'll word my tweet
About this mad dog following me for hours
I think it's got superpowers
He is telling me telepathically
"Put kids on a leash, let dogs run free!"
I feed him some sandwich meat by hand
Meat from the ribs of the man
In the tow truck who took away my car
That fellow cannot think, and therefore he ain't!
And just when I thought I had solved my dog problem
Hippies doused my new dog coat with red paint

It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
I don't think I'll ever forgive 'em
It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
I won't march to their drummer's rhythm

(Drum solo interrupted)

I open the floorboards to inspect
The convict escapees I protect
I throw in a bear from a circus in Sydney
They're getting along splendidly!
And then at my door I hear some knocks
I slowly unlock all fourteen locks
Outside there's a brain-dead Nazi swine
Claiming he wants me to sign
For a package! He thinks he can fool me!
I know he's Gestapo, Glenn Beck taught me well!
I strangle the guy 'til he dies and now my
TV movie's in development hell

It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
I'd love to get James Dean to play me
It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
But that stupid jerk won't obey me
It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
Then later my bear mauled some orphans
It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
Well, there go my corporate endorsements
It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
They're nothing but swindlers and jokers
It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
And all of them so mediocre
It's all (it's all) everyone else's fault
I'll never know what they were thinking
(Fade Out)
Track Name: Theme From Officer Down
(Officer down, officer down) (4x)

Life on the streets is always rough
There ain’t no mercy nowhere
The cops all getting paid by the pimps and thugs (pimps and thugs)
Only one on the beat is tough enough
To make this world less unfair
He’ll squish the bad guys like bugs!
Strong as seven men with the most unique of minds
He’s justice of the hardest kind! He's...

Officer Down, Officer Down (What?)
Officer Down, Officer Down (Hi!)
Officer Down, Officer Down (What happened?)
Officer Down, Officer Down! (My name is Officer Down of the Special Police! You’re all under molest!)

Born to a fifty-three-year-old
From her very very last egg
The doctors said he’d die but he proved ‘em wrong! (Proved ‘em wrong)
His blood runs swift, his brain runs cold
His urine runs down his leg
And now he got his very own theme song!
He’s hard to bend and impossible to break
You’ve just been busted by God’s mistake! He's...

Officer Down, Officer Down! (4x)
(You have the right to retain science! Anything you stay can be Batman. If you cannot afford Batman, Batman will become Superman!)

Whoa-oa, whoa-oa-oa
You know these streets, you know these streets
These streets can bring an officer down, down, down, down, down
You can break the law on the rooftops
You can break the law on the ground
Or you can break it on Down! (CRASH!) (Ow!)
Break the law on Officer Down’s crown

Officer Down, Officer Down (4x) (assorted improvised screaming)

“They gave me a heaven machine!” (gun shot) “Oops!”

Track Name: She'll Come Crawlin' Back
Don't worry, it's a foregone conclusion
She's sufferin' from a brain disease called confusion
Any minute now she's gonna see the light
Surrender the fight and come home tonight, that's right

She'll come crawlin' back
Fulla tears and sorrow
She'll come crawlin' back
Prob'ly by tomorrow
She'll wanna beg and grovel but I'm gonna take the high road tonight

Damn wicked women, won't letcha hate 'em
They force you into a corner 'til you make an ultimatum
I don't know how this started, but I know how it ends
She'll admit to her friends that she was wrong again and then

She'll come crawlin' back
Full of adulation
She'll come crawlin' back
How was your vacation?
It's only been five days, have a little patience tonight

Well, she'll come crawlin' back
I'm serious as a heart attack
Just like the baby she is
Get me some Tylenol
Am I talkin' to the wall?
Look at me, what's wrong with you?
Do you wanna have to crawl back too?

(Guitar solo)

I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that
I musta misheard you, and got it through my head that
You had the audacity to take her side
Well, I'd usually let it slide, but my hands are tied! I tried!

She'll come crawlin' back
Maybe so will you, sir
She'll come crawlin' back
Beggars won't be choosers
But if I letcha get me down I just might lose her tonight

Yeah, she'll come crawlin' back
Thinkin' she was clever
She'll come crawlin' back
Lookin' fine as ever
It's only been five years, better late than never tonight!

(Spoken) One more time, boys!

(Sung) She'll come crawlin' back
Knowin' not to talk back
She'll come crawlin' back
If only she could walk back
It may have seemed a little harsh, but I'd just got my glock back that night

(Spoken) I was just testin' it out! I said I was sorry! It was just the base of your spine, woman. Walk it off.
Track Name: The Road!
My daddy was a beat-up car
That had crashed into a Carl's Jr. star
In a truly misconceived daredevil stunt
My mama was a green guitar
Whose strings were torn out and set on fire
By a desperate band of music-hatin',
STD-laden punks
Well, the two met at the dump
Had a freaky three-way with a rusted gas pump
Nine weeks later, I popped out somehow
And they told me, "Now...

When daddy's too damn drunk to let you in the house
Sleep on the road!
That dirty, smelly plush toy of Minnie Mouse
Came from the road!
And when we're on road trips
And you scream like it's the apocalypse
And we chuck you out for fear you might explode
Your new babysitter's named the road!"

My uncle was a minotaur
Who fell in love with a Baconnaise jar
And consummated love 'til it was filled
He dropped it on the road one day
It shattered, much to his dismay
And my tiny cousins living in that jar,
I must say, weren't thrilled
They fried like secret sauce
Their society plunged into total chaos
Bacon-flavored seed don't stand a chance
Against fire ants!

That's just what happens when you fall in love with jars
Here on the road!
You're slashin' tires with the jagged shards
Here on the road!
How many have to die
Before we all can see eye to eye
And give every driver a firearm to reload?
To defend each other on the road!

Now me, I've walked this road for years
I've stepped on squirrels and wrestled deers
And I can make cars blow up with my mind
I haven't changed since Labor Day
My wife of ten years thinks I'm gay
Last week I tied six chickens 'round my face
And drove to Denver blind!
It burns each time I piss
And the very last time my common sense dis-
-rupted me in my happy hour of need
I disagreed!

I told him everything you'll ever need to know
Is on the road!
The works of Shakespeare, Bach and Picasso
Lie on the road!
I don't know why they're there
Some dumb museum musta left 'em where
Any truck could run 'em over like a toad
I heard it call my name when the rooster crowed
Connecting every town and province and zip code
Track Name: Raccoons
Lead Raccoon: And THAT, kids, is how YOU can just say no to child prostitution.
Raccoons: (Assorted exclamations: "Yeah!"; "You know it!"; "Uh-huh!"; and one huge gutteral "YEEEEEEAAAAAAH!!!")
Lead Raccoon: Okay, now we'd like to get serious for a moment. We honored members of the Cartoon Raccoon Platoon have been shaping your childhoods, and your childhood's childhoods, for the past six hundred years. We've told you to lay off hard drugs, and to always be kind to strangers. But now it's time for you to do US a favor! So please, shut your pie-hole for two minutes and listen to the following musical business proposal! You guys ready?!
Raccoons: (Assorted exclamations: "Yeah!"; "Alright!"; "WOOOO!"; "ROCK AND ROLL!!!")
Lead Raccoon: Okay, a one two three four ROCK!!! (pause) Hang on...hang, hang on...hang on...wait, wait...HANG ON!...hang on...hang on...hang on...hang on...hang...okay.
Track Name: Burn
Hey, buddy, won't you let us burn your house down?
Ain't no trouble at all!
You ask, what's the catch?
Well, we've got an itch to scratch
We just wanna scratch a match
Or two and make great fire balls!

All of our services are complimentary!
Please stop worrying, sir!
If you like heat
Our prices can't be beat
Now then, which gas would you prefer?

We all have passions for a million things
And we got us a million one!
We feel like Jesus when we spread our wings
And we burn everybody else's stuff for fun!

So hey, baby, won't you let us burn your grandma
Give her somethin' to do
(Spoken: Raccoon 1: You're flat.
Raccoon 2: Shut up, your mother's a whore!)
We gave your keys
To a swarm of giant bees
Hey, you know we aim to please
So how about one "Thank You?"

Hey, baby, won't you let us drown your life coach
In our Biblical flood?
We just drove around
The childrens' playground
Man, I ain't never seen so much blood!

Hey, I just dug up the corpse of Gerald Ford!
I'm not quite interested in why.
C'mon, let's hang him from a bungee cord
And teach the world how to fly-y-y!

I told you our services are complimentary
We like watchin' stuff burn!
It's free, don'tcha get it?
Ain't no need for cash or credit!
Please enjoy your brand-new shiny burnt-down house in return!

Hey, if we're lucky then the wind might pick up
Spread that fire around
Won't that be nice?
Like a baby in a vise
If the whole damn city burns down, down, down!

Dooby dooby doo dah burn your house down
Why not give us a call?
You don't have to shout
We're just tryin' to help you out, bitch!
Ain't no trouble at all!
Track Name: After Burn
Raccoons: (Assorted exclamations: "WOOO!"; "We did it!"; "We're the best!" etc.)
Lead Raccoon: That was the greatest thing I've ever seen or heard. And now, we're gonna teach you stupid kids how to saw your own legs off for sympathy money! First, you locate a large saw. And then...
(door opens)
Tony: Okay, I'm back from Disneyland. And...why is my apartment filled with animated raccoons?
(long pause)
Raccoons: (Assorted mutterings: "Um..."; "Uh..."; "Well..."; "See, the thing is..."; "Hmmm." etc.)
(long pause)
Lead Raccoon: GET HIM!
Raccoons: (Assorted attacking noises)
Tony: (screams)
Narrator: Later, in the studio...
Garth: Are you sure you're really Tony Goldmark? 'Cuz I...
Raccoons: Yes, absolutely! We is totally Marky Goldpox and not at all sixty animated raccoons in a Marky Goldpox suit! We have convinced you of this!
Garth: Okay, well this next song is kind of an intense badass country song in the style of Johnny Cash. You think you can handle that right now?
Raccoons: No! But you will take it as read that we have convinced you otherwise!
Garth: Okay, take one.

(Music starts)
(Sung:) So, you've found yourself a man
Who fulfills your plan
To make a damn fool out of me
He can fly you to the moon
In a hot air balloon
He can even make the deaf man see!

(door opens)
Tony: Okay, I'm back from the dead. Hey, look what I found!
(Machine gun sound effects, assorted raccoons screaming)
Tony: Uh yeah, just rewind that please? Thank you.

(Song rewinds)
Track Name: Not If I See You First
So you found yourself a man
Who fulfills your plan
To make a damn fool out of me
He can fly you to the moon
In a hot air balloon
He can even make the deaf man see
Well, I’ll tell you, bitch
You better pray he’s rich
Enough to buy you a private nurse
‘Cause before you skipped town
You said you’ll see me around
But not if I see you first

If I see you first, then you’re both gonna stay together
Forever underneath the grass
You better run real fast
‘Cause if I see you first
I’m gonna see you last

I’m a man possessed
With a slippery chest
That I can never keep my feelings on
Don’t try and make me change
I’m like a devil deranged
And I can only grit my teeth so long
I wanna see you bleed
I wanna see you need
Me to call off my gypsy curse
You wanna see me cry
You wanna see July
Well, not if I see you first

If I see you first, you better run like a burnin’ dog
Who set the fire station up in flames
You better change your name
‘Cause if I see you first
You’ll have yourself to blame

I been waitin’ 'round
Too many days
For a raise
From this pool of tears
I’ve been beaten down
Too many years
Time to shift the gears
And in my defense
I ain’t got much sense
My skull’s three feet dense
And I don’t take offenses well
I’m gonna send you back to hell

Now we can do this hard
And leave me twice as scarred
Or we can do this the easy way
Leave it all behind
And get some peace of mind
With a fella who earns his pay

Come back to me
And I guarantee
I won’t have to sing another verse
But if your answer’s wrong
I’ll write a thousand songs
While I’m on my way to see you first

If I see you first, well I promise you and me
We're really gonna cook with gas
You better run real fast
‘Cause if I see you first
You’ll fly a nonstop jet plane to hell first class
Grab your boarding pass
‘Cause if I see you first
You’ll feel a switchblade sharper than a broken glass
You better hide your ass
‘Cause if I see you first
I’m gonna see you last
I’m gonna see you last
I’m gonna see you last
I’m gonna see you last
Track Name: Movie In A Movie (Love Theme From All Critics Must Die)
A maniac
Plans his next attack,
He craves him some killin' and murderin'
He sees some teens
He thinks, "Cool beans"
Soon victim number one is lettin' out a blood curdlin' scream
The director views it all on a view screen from off screen
He's drinkin’ whiskey from a paper cup
As maniac number two sneaks up
He raises his machete with maniacal laugh
The director yells "Cut!" and gets CUT STONE COLD IN HALF!

Movie in a movie!
Sneakin' up from behind
It's a movie in a movie
Murder for show
Or did we just blow your damn minds?

A buncha ghosts
Sit around, engrossed
Watchin' that guy get bisected
It’s movie night
At the house of fright
They talk about the shot and how it ties to connected themes
Then the Ghostbusters bust through the flat screen and cross streams
They blow up the whole universe
And all of the survivors get a deadly curse
It’s all being seen at a theater on fire
By a trio of teens, one of whom is a vampire!

Movie in a movie
Recursive cinema
It’s a movie in a movie
Strap in for the ride
The movie’s inside
Of a...

Movie ‘bout an angel who falls from above
Who wipes out all humanity and learns how to love
Inside a film about a zombie who yearns to be free
Inside a re-imagining of Mac and Me
Inside a Holocaust musical with songs by Drake
Inside a Smell-O-Vision Nature Trail To Hell remake
Inside an outer space pirate flick with Shia LaBeouf
Inside a biopic about the life of Shia LaBeouf
Inside an buddy cop flick where Jason Statham cries
Inside a romantic comedy where everyone dies
Inside an inspirational sports film about hackeysack
Inside the long-awaited prequel to Kangaroo Jack!
Movie in a movie in a movie!

The audience
Confused and tense
Is wonderin’ just what the hell was that
The internet
Won’t soon forget
To never make another movie like that because that sucked
Another victim of a bad script, bad timing and worse luck
But wait! Amid the sea of hate is one lone guy
He says “I kinda liked it!” and gets crucified
He vows revenge on every critic, and every review
And when he’s resurrected
It’s filmed and directed
That director gets filmed by a behind the scenes crew
And the cycle begins anew!

Movie in a movie
Nobody knows what’s what
It’s a movie in a movie
We all start to groan
And crawl up our own freakin’ butts!

Movie in a movie
So much for my career
It’s a movie in a movie
So far up we crawl
I think we might all disappear

Movie in a movie
Nowhere to run or hide
It’s a movie in a movie
The fuse has been lit
It’s time to commit criticide
‘Cause we all know ALL CRITICS MUST DIE!
Track Name: One Damn Lane
Drums keep a-drummin'
He's late for the date
Motors keep a-hummin'
And the bastard's still late
Yeah, the groom isn't comin'
But still the bride waits
Because one damn lane is closed

Mr. Giovanni
Missed his own daughter's birth
My brother Johnny
Lost all sense of self-worth
And a doggy named Donny
Missed his last day on Earth
Because one damn lane was closed

Prisoners of the 101
Trappin' each others'
Fathers and mothers'
Daughters and sons
Horns keep honking with no voice
Everyone's turnin' pro-choice

Poor little Simon
Missed his baseball game
Whole buncha firemen
Couldn't beat the damn flame
I grew old, got Alzheimer's 'n'
Forgot my own name
Because one damn lane was closed

Poor little Brian
Missed his junior prom
Private Ryan
Missed his flight to Vietnam
And my friend missed the dyin'
Last words of his mom
Because one damn lane was closed

All those fat pigs in front of you
Who left their pen
At 6AM
With nothin' better to do
They're slowin' down to watch the construction
Such fascinating construction
A bulldozer's diggin' up dirt
The same bulldozer's diggin' up more dirt
And the exact same bulldozer continues to dig up more dirt
And a guy dressed in orange is pointing at something

Poor Mrs. Luddy
Missed her job interview
My same buddy
Missed his mom's funeral too
Oh, such cruddy case studies
If indeed they are true
But the fact remains that one damn lane is closed
It's closed, it's gettin' bulldozed
And the longer I sit here the more I'm opposed

Oh look, it's over
And my point is moot
Now I've sobered
From my rage-oholic hoot
But ten miles down the road, there's
A movie shoot
And all but one damn lane is closed

Better step on the brakes
Michael Bay wants ten more takes
Lord, why didn't I bring my garden hose?
Some exhaust would smell so sweet to my nose
All these lanes I should be drivin' on are closed
Track Name: SKJ
Keep your mouth wide open
You keep talkin', we'll keep our hope in
The notion that your mouth will close in time
I hear your run-on sentence runnin' on
And on and on 'til dawn
Compensatin' for your devastatin' lack of lines
It's all a blur, that's how the guys concur
Then we look at her
As she regales us with her tales of artsy trash
Then she made another point so moot
Everybody thought it cute
But it made my train of thought derail and crash
You said, "I knew he was a Christian from his eyes of love"
Well, please would you give me a clue, what are my Jew eyes made of?

I see you on the screen
Kissing that weirdo
In the very final scene
Kissing the hero
And you're dressed up as your favorite plantation queen, but to me
It looks like Satan Kissing Jesus
In the Pope's darkest repressed wet dream

Now I know it may seem rude and a little crude
That I'd be such a prude
As to confuse someone like youse for Beelzebub
But consider your company
You never know where the devil may be
He's hiding behind every tree and shrub
In the father of your daughter
Inside every glass of water
Is the angel who fell down go boom
Any politician you don't like
If they try to pass an upper-class tax hike
Burn the witch on his broom!
So you're naggin' with teabaggin' brethren under the sun
In a voice that makes a noise that sounds like my tea is done!

You know I saw you on FOX News
And you've been well-taught
By the focks who share your views
They find you so hot
"This community means less than a festering bowl of dog snot!"
Must feel like Satan's Kissing Jesus
When the bad guy starts to walk in your shoes

I have to show you this
This piece of socialist propaganda
Just follow my hand on my white board
This TV entrepreneur is getting crushed by the poor
His biggest competitor used to mop up his floors
But they've got sympathy, they're gonna cease to be
Unless the community (Communists...) supports them communally (Communists...)
Wait, who's that actress in view? Blonde hair, eyes of blue
Holy Satan, it's you! Supporting U-62!
How could you do this? You socialist! Okay, now I'm pissed!
Better add your name to the list of secret anti-Chrissts!
("Satan won't be happy about this!")
Let's go rehearse that kiss!

(Ukulele solo interrupted by accordion solo)

You've got another thought comin' but before you proceed
You'd better make sure you left your previous thought incomplete
Repeat every single point until they're battered and stale
And make it sound like a question? Every time you inhale?
I heard your daughter's half-Satanic, better call up a priest
You weren't given many lines, I wonder why that could be
Stop and leer like a deer struck with fear in the headlights
And in the rear, there's a bearded man who's not quite right
Nobody knows him, he just sits there sighin'
And I'm wonderin' which direction would be more edifyin'

But you said you liked my hair
It's not as hating
As my cruel Hebraic stare
Must be frustrating
Is the Serpent bearing apples or are they pears? Do you care?
I guess I'm Satan Kissin' Jesus in an orgy of despair
Compensatin' for my sleaziness with extra flair
All these Mephistopheleseses are hoggin' the air
If you're smart, move to Alaska, they'll elect you mayor
And you can start your own society with polar bears!
I think that's more than fair

(Evil high-pitched background Satanic message)
Track Name: Take Back America
I look at them poor people in England
Speakin' in that accent every day
With their silly British voice
They don’t know they got the choice
To pronounce their words the proper ‘Merr-kin hway!

I look at them broke folk a-thievin’
Thinkin’ fire departments grow on trees!
If I want my house burnt down
To the soily, salted ground
Shouldn’t that be chief amongst my liberties?
Or have we been taken over by the anti-fire Nazis?

It’s time we take back America
For those who know what’s best
Take back America
Those with heartbeats in our chest
Take your mistakes back, America
And to hell with all the rest
Whoa America, America, America

I look at them unborn babies dying
Billions lost with each vasectomy
Scarlet men think they can choose
Give ‘em life and they refuse
Man, this country sorely needs to get back on-key!

I look at that fraud Stephen Hawking
I wonder where he gets the gall
To pretend his legs don’t work
Just to make our feelings hurk
I’d like to turn him upside-down and watch him crawl
And when I’m done with that I’ll take this country back once and for all!

It’s time we take back America
Put the Godless on a boat
Take back America
They’re Satanic as a goat
Let’s make the snake hack America
Up from it’s snakey Satanic throat
Oh America, America…

America is full of cowardly schemers
Tryin’ to tell me I can’t buy a tank
But America is also full of hopeful dreamers
Tryin’ to fulfill my destiny to flatten the blood bank!
Vampires live there!

Some people say God didn’t tell me to steal a bunch of explosives from the back of a truck and blow up the vasectomy clinic
I’m a Goddamn Christian man
With a revelatory plan
Y’know, some folk say there ain’t no God at all…
Well, I’ll be right here when the dust clears to tell of America’s rise and fall

And rise again!
(Welcome) back America
You’re a zombie at you’re core
We’ve gotta take back America
From the sickly and the poor!
Let them eat cake snacks, America
Kill ‘em all to just make sure
Oh America, America, America
(Spoken:) Let this be a country of one!
America, America…
(Huge bomb sound effect)
(Spoken:) It’s all mine, all of it! I can finally read as many Bibles as I…(sound of glasses breaking) My glasses…well that’s not fair…that's NOT FAIR...
Track Name: Humility Tower
She was only fourteen when her song hit the charts
About how she gets off when she breaks losers' hearts
A slick power ballad with fiddle strapped on
They filed it as Country and contracts were drawn
She was humble and small-town and sexy as hell
Just the right combination to sell
She sold t-shirts and wife beaters, shotguns and Bibles and kegs
All with pictures of her with crossed legs
While the poor folk kept rackin' up debt
She would swim through their cash every night in her jet

Smilin' and gigglin' and winkin' and prayin'
Sayin' "I'm just like you" as she drank her champagne
In her oversized mansion like Charles Foster Kane
Far above all the crops and the flowers
Set up shop on the top of Humility Tower

But despite her success, critics panned her CD
They called her work country without the "ry"
When she learned what that meant, well she burst into tears
But her manager/dad said "Tears are for queers.
Now the next time some fool tries to tell you you're nuts
Just remember that Christ hates their guts.
Satan's got nothin' better to do than to make you feel sad."
Then she kissed him and whispered, "Thanks dad."
No one missed her mom more than he did
But he saw his ex-wife in his young, wealthy kid

So sharing a love that dare not speak its name
They had dozens of children with half of a brain
Who got kicked out of more schools than Charles Foster Kane
And a few of 'em drowned in the shower
Falling down to the ground from Humility Tower

One day while screaming at her maids again
She took a bottle of her closest friend
Drank a shot and then thought,
"Hey, I'm bored so why not run for governor?"
(She knew the people loved her)
She ran practically unopposed
And even then she only won by a nose
Then she downed a few more shots and took a brief nap and
Woke up in the Capital, wonderin' what happened

"I'm the governor now," she realized with a smirk
She shrugged both her shoulders and sat down to work
And two minutes later she tried to break loose
But the windows were locked so escape was no use
Then a tall handsome white man appeared at her door
With an offer she could not ignore
He was seeking to conquer the world with a girl running mate
She was female and thus it was fate
He had greatness way down in his seed
And he knew she'd be just the vagina he'd need!

And so she set out to quadruple her fame
And she used her old hit song to drive the campaign
Yeah, she's running for office like Charles Foster Kane
Not just drunken, but roofied with power
Ninety proof from the roof of Humility Tower

And then she got her own magazine
She found a photo of herself as a teen
And she pasted that face
On her real face's place for the cover
(She knew that that would make us love her)
The headline was a work of art
"Can she save America" question mark
And as she took it to press, I swear I heard her mumble
"If I make it a question, it'll make me look humble"

Then a prime-time cartoon went and called her a phony
And words from a cartoon add more acrimony
So she went on the news to express her disgust
"How DARE this cartoon make a fool out of us!
And by us I mean me and by me I mean you!
This affects ALL you motherfuckers too!
How do you folk expect me to save our poor country someday
With these meddling cartoons in the way?
I may be a barrel of fish with a free gun attached
But I'll make that an itch too immoral to scratch!"

So now if you slander her poor wretched name
You'll be worse than Al-Qaeda and twice as profane
Yeah, she's stifled her subjects like Charles Foster Kane
Like a lawnmower stifles a flower
What a wife, what a life on Humility

Yes, she can cure all diseases and fly with no plane
She's a solid-gold shotgun that can't even aim
And she's got fewer critics than Citizen Kane
As she smiles, all the while her eyes glower
Wave Seig Heil from her mile-high Humility Tower
And she thinks of her sled twice an hour
Yeah, she said she feels dead on Humility Tower
And she quietly moans in the shower
On her throne made of bones, all alone in Humility Tower
Track Name: Curl Up And Die
Well, I've been kicked to the curb
I've been shocked and disturbed
I stepped up to the plate and got struck out by fate
Just like I deserve
Can’t hit one single curve
I've lost every lover and lady who’s had me
My wife just ran off with my mistress today sadly
Neither one even said goodbye
It’s all bullshit
I may as well curl up and die

Last week I fell from a tree
My boss fired me
And while he got promoted, my car just exploded
Yeah, and so did the key
My judgmental neighbor just got me evicted
Shot smack up by accident just after I’d kicked it
I can’t even say I try
It’s all horseshit
I might just curl up and die

But wait, there’s more! Last night I stepped on a rake
I got burned at the stake
I slept in again and I got to my friend’s
Birthday party late
And he’d run out of cake
And he peeled off my skin with a potato peeler
And doused me in blood salt from non-fair-trade salt dealers
Workin’ to death in the salty mines
It’s all hogwash
I just might curl up and…

Dine on a dinner of broken glass
And an old rotten shoe that smells just like ass
Top it off with a bottle of Titanic tears
Vintage 1912, oh my God what a year
A soup made with poison and anti-freeze
For dessert, a pie made of locusts and bees
And the waiter’s not nice and the check’s overpriced
And it comes with a cyanide mint
I can take the hint

Yeah, it’s time to give in
Ain’t no way I can win
I got way too much pain spinnin’ 'round in my brain
And I’m stretched too thin
Play the damn violin
Got hit in the face with a big freakin’ shovel
Got bit in the ace by a dog with no muzzle
Got trampled by horses and coughed up a lung
And then torn up by tigers who swallowed my tongue
Last week while reciting some big science lectures
Got sucked through a wormhole and wound up in Texas
They strung me up, hung me and threw Bibles at me
Got shot in the head by six preachers exactly
Abducted by martians and forced into labor
Got cut clean in half by a rusted light saber
Been chewed up and spit out and chewed up some more
And then swallowed, digested, shit out on the floor
And then eaten again by a dog who then died
And was buried in dirt where the worms all reside
And they ate me a third time ‘cause why the hell not?
I been worm shit and germ shit and drowned in shit water
Been kidnapped and bitch-slapped and wiretapped on Monday
Got swindled by goblins for my first-born son
They power-sanded my nipples and chopped off my penis
Gone mad, I've been had, I’m a tad inconvenienced
Got spiny and whiny and finally I died

And when I arrived
At the Pearly Gates
The good lord said, "Sorry, boy, you’re too late
I just been disproven by atheists
Turns out I’m a fraud, I don’t even exist"
It’s all wormshit
I think I’m gonna…
I said I think I’m gonna…
I think I’m gonna lay in bed and listen to radio static for hidden conspiratorial messages all day

(Spoken:) Thank you, I love you all, goodnight.
Track Name: Ah Vah
Every city, every street
Hear them march and stomp their feet
Look out - it's asshole versus asshole
Movie houses, fast food joints
Smell the points and counterpoints
Flyin’ out of asshole versus asshole.

Who can talk the loudest?
Who can type the biggest?
Which asshole smells sweetest today?
Scream in everybody’s ear
Trivialize your neighbor’s fear
You too can be an asshole versus asshole

Sick and healthy, rich and poor
Boys and girls from shore to shore
Grow up with the dream of being an asshole
Find your genie, make your wish
Duplicate more loaves and fish
Then shit ‘em out through asshole vs. asshole

Who has all the answers
Who can cure the cancers
Who can chase your problems away?
It’s the bout of the century
And when you’re born, your ticket’s free
Front row center, asshole versus asshole

Old man, lyin' in a bed
Tumor growin' in his head
Thinks, “I shoulda been a bigger asshole”
Maybe all the pain would cease
Maybe we might have world peace
If I’d just been a slightly bigger asshole

Who is here to save us all?
Who can stand the most feet tall?
Who can make life better with what they have to say?
God loves us all, and all we do
Maybe God’s an asshole too
Asshole versus asshole versus asshole versus asshole versus asshole versus...